hey now, take your meds...

yea for cold weather! finally! i wait for this every year, and it puts me in such a better mood when it does come, and i'm way more productive.

for example, for the past two days i've been working on some of my design stuff non-stop. well, except for right now, obviously. and not only have i been working on stuff, i've actually *liked* what i've produced. and usually i'm a hard sell, even to myself. i've also been in the mood to really get my hands dirty and paint. i have plenty of canvas sitting in the art room that's calling to me, it's just been a bit too cold to venture into the garage to make a satisfying mess.

in other news, i've completed the first course on the road to getting my certification, and i feel pretty good about it. there are no more classes until january, though, so i've got to figure out what i'm going to do between now and then. it's not like i have a lot going on, or anything. i'm thinking about getting a part time job somewhere, but i really despise working during the holidays. people are crazy! and that's coming from me! hahahhaha!

well tomorrow is thanksgiving, which means a whole lot of food that i get to cook for just my roommate and myself. yea! i'm making this vegetable dish i've never made before, called vegetable tian, and i'm just hoping it comes out good. i'm adding some cubed ham to it to give it a little more flavor and  it's not thanksgiving without ham, so it's my way of sneaking it in there.

i figured it out. i've been having a hard time remembering to take my meds, and when i do remember, i have to fight myself to take them. my therapist and i were talking about it on monday, and she gets really frustrated with me when i don't take my meds, and she doesn't understand why i don't want to. and i was trying to articulate why, but my words became muddled and i couldn't express it properly. basically i told her that they make me feel different from who i really am. that i don't feel like me while i'm on them. that my creativity disappears while on them. but then yesterday, as i was working on a design, it came to me. the clearest way i can put it is that, it's like the meds hold me back. and not just by feeling sluggish physically. they hold my brain hostage from me. i can't access information at any given time. i have no control over my creative self, or my intellect. the meds just won't have those things.

anyway. i'm going to think more about this and see if i can't figure it out more so. but i'm on the right track, and that's a start...

-xian

on being thankful...

so on facebook it's a popular thing in november to post 30 days of thankfulness, one post a day at a time. well i had been debating on whether or not to join in this year, and up until today i didn't think i was going to. however, then it hit me, this could be a good thing. not only could i have some fun with it, but i could be honest with others, and more importantly with myself, on what really matters in my life at this stage in the game.

so i went back and made my status about what i'm thankful for, and played catch-up posting for the past five days as well as today. for day 1 i was thankful for life, for without it i'd be nowhere; day 2 i was thankful for oxygen because without it living would be a lot harder; day 3 it was water, because staying hydrated is a good thing; day 4 it was my cats for the hours on endless entertainment they provide me with; day 5 i was thankful for my friends, the ones i consider family, the ones that haven't turned their backs on me; and finally today, day 6, i am thankful for dinosaurs, for proving the christian timeline wrong.

now, some may look at those and just see most of them as being jokes, but really they've all got some hard truths behind them, and are important to me in some way or another. living is important to me because there are many times in my life i could have been dead, but i've survived and plan to keep on going. the oxygen and water ones are a bit hokey, sure, but true nonetheless. i really am thankful for the companionship my cats offer. they give me something to care about when this life isn't looking so great. and for my friends, i am greatly thankful for. in past years i've had some turn their backs on me for one reason or another, but there are at least two i can, but won't, name that have stuck by me, even when shit got real. and for the dinosaurs...well, i really am grateful for them and the science they bring with their existence, as there are times i need help remembering that religion is a dangerous thing. i'm sure i could find any number of things to remind me of that, but dinosaurs seem to be the most pleasant of ways.

so tomorrow i'll continue on with the thankfulness countdown, and see what i can come up with for the rest of the month. i'm thinking it's going to be more challenging than i first thought it would be.

in other news, i had my pdoc appointment today, and got one of my anti-psychotics upped from twice a day to four times a day. hopefully that will really knock these hallucinations in the proverbial knees and keep them from being so intrusive. also, in exciting news, i'm starting class on monday to get my certification in graphic design. the whole program should only take about ten months, so that will be great! i'm a little nervous about going but i am hoping it will be a good thing for me. the class i'm taking is a photoshop I course, and though i can fake my way through photoshop as it stands, i really can't wait to figure out how things really work. tomorrow i have therapy, which is a good thing i guess. i don't always want to go, but it's good that i do. keeps me on a routine and in line to where i'm not heading off the rails.

anyway, that's all i got. more soon!

'til then...

- xian

so again...

it's been awhile, i know. i'm not very good at this whole, keeping up with the blog, thing, i guess. anyway, i'm writing now, so there.

i'm writing today because i have something heavy weighing on my mind. it's a bit of a taboo topic, or just one that's not generally talked about out in the open, but it's plaguing me at this time, and nothing i do seems to relieve the stress it's causing. so i figure i will write it here, out in the open, so maybe i can stop hiding from it, or whatever it is that i'm doing.

a little over a year ago i was in therapy dealing with some things that i didn't necessarily want to deal with at that time. mainly, my hallucinations and paranoid states, which lead to my diagnosis of schizo-affective disorder. however, around the same time i had started not eating, and found food and the process of eating to be a very big inconvenience. i was losing weight, fairly rapidly, and once my therapist noticed he became very concerned, and rightfully so. he had me start keeping food journals, which i did about half the time i was supposed to, and he would tell me that i needed to watch this because it could turn into a real problem. unfortunately, that therapist ended up closing down his practice in order to move to another state for a better, higher paying job. so i was left without a therapist for awhile, and the only thing i could think of to do was to contact my old therapist to see if she would start seeing me again. luckily, she agreed, and so on wednesday's at one o' clock i started seeing her.

now, the very first appointment back i had with her she immediately commented that i looked skinny and asked if i had lost a lot of weight. here's where i debate if i made a mistake or not...i was honest with her, and told her that i had lost a lot of weight, that my last therapist was concerned about it, and that i was not eating probably as often as i should. that was it...she started telling me that i needed to go to a specialist, that i was out of control and that i could end up dying. and so on and so on it went for a few sessions until i finally agreed to go see a specialist.

first, let me say that, when i went to see the specialist it was no surprise to me that they diagnosed me as having anorexia nervosa. aside from simply not eating, there were a number of things that pointed towards that diagnosis, and not even i could really deny it, no matter how hard i tried.

so fast forward to today. i no longer see that therapist, and have a new one that is just now really getting an idea of how big of a problem my eating disorder really is. i'm 5'7" and at my lightest i was 112 lbs. i'm now at a very safe weight, partially due to one of my meds that made me gain a bunch of weight right after i started taking it. however, that is sort of the problem. now i see myself as fat again, and i'm beginning to restrict my food intake and old habits are starting to pop up. i'm talking to my therapist about it, and trying to be as honest as i can be about things, but my nature is to hide my actions from everyone, and keep everything a secret.

that's why i'm writing this. i need it out in the open. out where i can see it for what it is, and not hide it away in the dark recesses of my mind. also, i'm doing this so i can't hide from it...try to deny its' existence.

so there you go. another deep dark secret exposed. hopefully letting this one out, though, will help to lift the heavy weight it's bearing down on my mind.

'til then...

- xian

give me a hell, give me a yeah...

so i know i said i was going to try and keep up with this more often, but it's been a crazy couple of weeks for me.

since the beginning of the semester, and since my financial aid fell through, i have been trying to reconcile with the fact that i'm not going to be going to school for awhile. or, at least in the way i have in the past. after much deliberation, and talking it out with my therapist, i've decided to switch gears altogether and return to my roots of art. well, graphic design to be more specific. creating makes me happy, and without it in my life i feel like a part of me is missing. it's essential to my core, and by denying it i've been denying who i am.

so i've looked into a few different options for how to go about achieving this goal of working in the graphic design field, and i've come up with two, well really three viable options. 1) go to university and get my bachelor's degree - plain and simple. get financial aid, and go through the two year program. 2) go to the art institute and go through their program, which i don't have a lot of information on. and lastly 3) go through the certification program offered by the continuing ed program through the local community college. this would be the cheapest and fastest route.

with 6 core courses and 4 electives, the certification program can be completed in less than a year, and altogether costs way less than just two semesters at university. after talking to an awesome cousin of mine who is in the industry and has gone both the certification and  bachelor's degree route, the certification program continues to look more and more appealing. however, i have awhile to think about it. classes are only a month long, so they're kind of spread out as to when the next one starts. there's one that begins in november, then one in january and another in february. in november i have my psych appointment to have my meds checked on, and i think there will be some adjusting to them due to some issues i have been having lately. so i don't want to put the stress of school on top of my meds changing, and giving it a couple of months to let them run their course seems like a wise decision to me. so i'm looking at starting in january at the very earliest.

i'm excited about the new prospect of this adventure, but i'm also definitely a little scared. and it takes a lot for me to admit that i'm scared. i really struggled last semester due to my mental health issues, and though i got through it, if it wasn't for the support of three very selfless people, i wouldn't have made it. so now i'm looking at going back, and while it's only one class at a time, it's still going to be a lot of work, i know. and i'm not afraid of the work itself, i actually like that part. no, i'm afraid of the stress that it will put on my mind and how my newly medicated brain will react. but i can't let fear dictate my life. this is something that i know is right for me. it's beneficial to my future, in many many ways.

so that's what i've got. i've been working on a lot of designs lately, so maybe i'll post some of those later on, or tomorrow.

'til then...

- xian

finding forgiveness...

it's been a little bit since i last wrote anything on here. really, i've just been re-evaluating my life, and trying to look at everything through a new perspective. this has been made easier thanks to the help of my new meds that seem to have really balanced me out and got a grip on my hallucinations. the hallucinations are still there, they're just not as predominate as they were before, and i have much more control  over my thoughts than i once did.

with all of that said, i'm at a place in my life where i have to figure some things out. like, who the hell i am, and where i want to be in this world. the, who am i, part has been a question in progress for the last who knows however many years. and the, where i want to be, part seems to change as often as the seasons.

but all of this starts with forgiveness. i have thirty years of crap and people to forgive, and it's not that easy finding a starting point. but even with all the stuff i've been through, and the people who have wronged me, i'm finding that for me, forgiveness needs to start with myself. if i can't forgive myself for something, how will i ever forgive someone else? this whole thing started as an assignment from my therapist where i was supposed to write about forgiveness and what it means to me. well, i ended up rambling on for five pages about how there are things that i find that i can't forgive myself for, and yet there are horrible things that have been done to me that i, shouldn't but do, forgive with great ease. i let people off the hook a lot of the time, and just take the blame for myself because it's easier than dealing with all of the emotions i would have to face otherwise.

today, towards the end of my therapy session, we talked about finding my 'authentic self'. and when you strip me down to the bones, my passion is in creating art. so, my therapist was confused as to why i was pursuing social work as a career when clearly my heart is elsewhere. and really,  the only explanation i had was that there's not a lot of money in being an artist. i've got to pay the bills somehow. plus, i just found myself residing in the fact that i could make money in the social work field, and keep art as a hobby in my spare time. but she's right...go figure. i do want to have a life where i create things that i can be proud of, and make a living off of it. so what does that mean for me now? where does that put me in this great big messed up world? that's the problem...i just don't know.

but here are the facts: i'm thirty years old and i have no idea of who i am or where i'm going, but it's about time that i figured it out. and that all begins with forgiveness. because once i can forgive the past, i will have nothing holding me back. i will be free. free of guilt, of shame, of blame and anger. completely free. and it's starts with me. so here's to forgiveness, may i welcome it with open arms and cherish it for all it's worth.

'til then...

- xian

so, it's been awhile...

i know. i haven't had much to say lately, to be honest. i've been in more of a contemplative, quiet mode. still, there's been a lot going on.

i'm not in school this semester. for two reasons really. one, my loans didn't come through in time for me to pay for classes, so i was dropped from all of my classes after the payment due date automatically. and two, we kind of decided that it would be a good thing if i didn't have school to worry about right now. and by we, i mean my therapist, my ex, and my roommate...and myself begrudgingly. i really want to be in school right now. i crave the experience, the structure, and the learning. i need that in my life. but i know that this was the right decision when it comes down to it. i really need to get a few things in my life straightened out before i can really move forward successfully.

then, of course, there was the wreck i was in. well, the wreck that happened to me, rather. i was rear-ended by this lady who was afraid of getting rear-ended herself, so she thought it was a good idea to hit me instead. luckily, her insurance took all the blame, and so once i can get a evaluation scheduled, i'll do that and then they'll cut me a check. the damage wasn't too bad, i don't think at least, but i'm not a mechanic, so i have no earthly idea to be honest. sigh, so there's that. i'm still dealing with the medical side of the whole thing. i had severe whiplash and a sprained neck and shoulder, none of which has been getting any better. but luckily, i won't have to pay for that either.

and on top of all of that, i'm working on dealing with some stuff that isn't easy to face. unfortunately, i feel completely unmotivated to get all the stuff out of my head through painting, which is my one big release when i'm feeling overwhelmed  and anxious. today i feel a little better, mainly because i had therapy yesterday, and got a lot of frustration off my chest. though, it's funny, i went in there meaning to talk about one thing, and ended up talking about something totally different because i forgot what it was i was going to talk about in the first place. that's probably a good thing though. could mean that it was just something i was blowing out of proportion at the time, and then was subconsciously willing to just let it go. letting go is good. i just have to remember that, all the time. life would be so much easier if i were capable of that.

but for now, i'm running out of words...

'til then...

- xian

waiting on a phone call...

that's what i'm doing today. just waiting around for my phone to ring, so i can ask my insurance company what i need to do as far as doing the medical claim goes. plus i need a recommendation for a doctor that will look at me instead of sending me to the e.r.

i'm in a lot of pain, but i'm almost to the point where i just want to drop this whole thing and move on. just deal with the pain myself and forget this ever happened. i hate complications. maybe i should have just gone to the e.r. right after it happened, but i didn't so here i am. and on top of all of this, my foot is still screaming in pain.

i'm trying to not be so negative about everything, but it's just what i'm feeling.


i wish i had more to say. i feel so empty and closed off from the rest of society. i guess that's it for now. maybe something will change in the next few days. we'll see.

'til then...

= xian

whiplash is fun...

i don't know what it is about 2013, but it continues to kick my ass.

yesterday, i was rear-ended, pretty hard, to where i wasn't my seat belt i would be slammed against the steering wheel and probably have broken ribs the process of all of that.

so yeah, i was rear-ended which means there's some damage but nothing too substantial once the lady, without asking me and while i was writing down her info, went back there and popped the bumper back out. luckily i have pictures to prove it was damaged. and of course her suv wasn't damaged at all, go figure.

and so now, here i sit, my arm in a sling, foot in a boot, and just in all kinds of oh so wonderful fun. i can barely turn my neck and this morning it was swollen real bad. as for my shoulder, there's no way i can do much with it. so now i'm just stuck, which i mean, i always feel stuck, but this is a physical painful stuck that not eve pain relievers can loosen things up a bit.

alright, well it's dinner time. food usually takes my mind off anything. :)

'til then...

- xian

under pressure...

i've been struggling lately to find words.

words, sentences, writing; none of these have ever been a problem for me. i can write right up there with the best of them so i'm not used to this kind of thing happening. i don't know what to do when words fail me. it makes me feel even more lost than i already feel.

my brain is just too much lately, and at times i can't tell dream state or hallucinations from reality. i'm on a new medicine, a new anti-psychotic, that i take along with the one i was already on, but i've only been on it for three days now, and the only thing it's doing is making me nauseous. my psych said that nausea is normal, but it really sucks all the same time.

i'm so tired all the time. even today, i slept until 5p.m. and still, here i sit almost dozing off as i write this. caffeine is my best friend. i don't have any meds to help wake me up, just ones that assist me in conking out.

i'm not sure where i was going with all of this. i've lost my train of thought and can't concentrate enough to get it back. i guess that's it for now.

'til then...

- xian

it's my specialty...

pissing people off it seems.

i've, apparently, been doing a lot of that lately. i'm not attempting to or anything, i'm just being myself. that sounds kind of sad, really. anyway. i don't know what to do about it, but then again i'm not sure i want to. people who can't accept me for who i am shouldn't be in my life to begin with. and if they're going to get pissed off over me expressing myself, then they can just walk.

losing these people, however, just reminds me of just how lonely i am. i have some amazing people in my life, that care for me and want the best for me, yet even around them i feel alone. the hallucinations i have make me feel out of bounds with society, with my friends and family. just the whole mental illness, the schizo-affective disorder, the borderline personality disorder, it all just weighs heavy on my head and my shoulders. it's like a heavy fog that i can't escape no matter what i do. the meds i'm on are only working somewhat, but i've tried so many others that there aren't really but a few i can try. and those all have possible major side effects, which is why we've (my psych and i) have been avoiding them. i have my next appt with my psych on wednesday so i guess we'll have to look at doing an entire med overhaul. and that scares me. i don't know how i would be if taken off even a couple of my meds. i take them for a reason, and even though they aren't working as perfect as they should be, they are still helping to regulate me somewhat.

if we do end up making a full overhaul on my meds it probably means me going away for a bit so that it can be safely done. and that means going to the hospital again. i hate the hospital. it puts my anxiety into full gear and i never quite get comfortable enough there to have it be as productive as it could be. i've been in three different hospitals in the past two years, one of them i've been in multiple times. they all suck. one was slightly better than the other two, but still, it's all about feeling trapped and having the walls closing in on me as the voices keep pushing forward with their commands and hateful chantings.

the voices get mad when i talk about them and they start trying to take over my brain as quickly and as loudly as possible. they tell me to 'stop!' or that i'm 'going straight to f*ing hell!' sometimes it's that i'm a terrible person and that i have no purpose in this life other than to make others miserable. it's those times that they start in on me heavily, telling me to 'die!' and  that i should take my own life so i stop burdening others with my existence. i have to stop talking about this now as the voices are getting louder and louder and just all around vicious.

now my head hurts and i'm a bit exhausted. that's what happens normally after i've spoken of them. thus, i think i'm going to go take a nap or read for a bit.

'til then...

- xian

it's 3a.m. i must be lonely...

well, ok, it's 4:30a.m. but all the same.

i've already had my, "oops, i woke up in the middle of the night, and now i can't sleep so i'm just going to have some cheerios and a diet pepsi," time. however, i'm stuck in a dilemma. see, i have a dr's appt today at 9a.m. in the town i grew up in, which is about an hour drive away. to be up in time to get dressed, make sure my ex is up and about as he asked me to do, and gather everything i need to take with me, i need to get up right around 7a.m. so that i can leave just a bit before 8a.m. so, the dilemma is, do i even bother going back to sleep for now, and just take a nap when i get home before having to go to therapy this afternoon? or do i try to pound some more zzz's out before making that overly boring drive, and maybe accumulate more energy so i don't fall asleep driving there? not that i feel i would right now, but who knows, it's always a possibility. i don't know.

i am also greatly conflicted right now. about my dr's appt. it's with my general physician that i've been seeing since i was six years old. he knows a lot about me, but not that i'm trans or gay, and not that i haven't been with my roommate for the last six or seven years (i've just kept on letting him believe we were together, it was easier than telling this ultra-conservative, right wing, state senator of a dr otherwise). anyway, as my dr for so long, he has grown to trust me with certain medications. ones that have become my drug of choice over the years, without his knowledge. so, i can either go in there today and easily get narcotic painkillers and benzo's, or i can go in there and do as i should do and come out of thee with a non-narcotic painkiller prescription. i mean, i can ask for a non-narcotic painkiller without having to tell him why. i can just simply say that with school coming up and having to drive so much i don't think it's necessarily a safe thing to be on, well, vicodin or soma's or something of the sort. or that i'm afraid of it mixing poorly with all of the other medications i'm on that already make me feel weird at times.

so you see my dilemma then, yes?

i'm not sure what i'm going to do about it, but i have to make up my mind pretty quickly, because now it's nearly 5a.m. and i only have so many hours left before i have to face this head on. i'm just so unsure of things. the ex thinks that the only reason i continue to choose seeing this dr over finding someone here in town is because i know i can get drugs out of him that i want. that's not totally the case, though i give him some credit for it. no, it's  that, even though he misdiagnosed me with a burst appendix for six weeks when i was 14, i actually really trust the guy. obviously we don't see eye to eye when it comes to politics, but when it comes to my health i know he'll take the time to get it right, especially because he doesn't want to make another horrible mistake like the one with my appendix that nearly killed me. he's learned throughout the years that my immune system and my brain are not 'normal' and can do weird things when under siege of a disease.

ok, well i think i'm going to go lie back down for a bit and see if i can't get some sleep.

'til then...

- xian

Went and saw man of steel today...can I get my three hours back? I know the movie's not that long but I think they just owe me more for the time it will take for me to forget about it.

- xian

i don't even know what to say...

...

apparently that's really true.

i got here, typed the title, and lost all energy in my body and my mind just went blank. i'm just so scattered, so unsure, so...gone.

there are all of these posts on facebook about how life is the gift and everything else is bonus, how god or 'God' only gives us blessings and that sometimes they're just ones in disguise, and that how everyone should feel blessed to be breathing another day. i don't know how else to put it, but it's not that i'm not thankful to have woken up today, i'm just unhappy i woke up today based on my own terms. if that even makes sense, which, if it doesn't, that is probably a good thing.

as far as for what's going on today, i'm dealing with financial aid issues with school. we had some email conversation going two weeks ago. then after jumping through some hoops that i hadn't expected to have to do, and that weren't relayed to me until i found the problem with my financial aid in the first place, though an email should have been sent to me a month before. now, however, i email them and i get no response. i have emailed them, now, four times with no freaking reply. school begins august 26th, payment is due august 20th, and i have a bill for over $3000 sitting there waiting to be paid with no funds to pay it.

if i can't get this financial aid stuff fixed before the deadline, that means that i won't be able to go to school for the fall semester. this also means that i will have to find a job in order to support myself, and both my therapist and i don't necessarily think that's a good idea for me right now. so now i don't know what i'm going to do. at this point, i'm planning on driving the hour long drive to the college on monday morning to go see financial aid in person, and make them deal with me in person. they can't escape me that way; and maybe something will get resolved. hopefully.

'til then...

- xian

If only he could do laundry...

...superman would actually be perfect.

i love goldfishes cause they're so delicious...

...gone goldfishin', gone goldfishin'.

excuse me, it's nearly 3am and i am up after taking two doses of trazadone. so here i am, alone in the shadow of the light above the sink in the kitchen. i've got my diet pepsi, and (of course) my goldfish to keep me supplemented.

i'm not sure why i'm up, really. my head can't stop cycling and it's driving me crazy. my...i don't know what to call him...i guess my ex-partner(?)...says he still thinks i should go into the hospital for a long stay. personally, i hate this idea. it makes me sick to my stomach and very anxious. "P" tends to agree with him i think. she at least has brought it up on many occasions that leads me to believe she thinks that would be a viable option.

...have you ever noticed how ugly and annoying popcorn ceilings are? they're just horrible! we have them throughout the entire house and it drives us crazy. we were going to scrape them before we moved in, but then we had to move, so that didn't happen...

sorry, got off topic. that's kind of how my head works. anyway, the hospital. so they both think i should go in for an extended stay...whatever that is. so what do i think? the thought of it scares me too much for me to have any real kind of rational thinking on the topic at all. though, i don't think you could call my thinking rational at any point in time anyway. so yeah.

i have been in the hospital three times before, all three for less than 48 hours. the first two times were involuntary. my therapist at the time assessed the situation in each case and decided that my behavior was too erratic and unsafe for me to drive home or be alone, etc... the third time i was in there it was somewhat on my terms.  i had gone to therapy knowing that i was in no position to be driving or in public or alone or what have you. i got there, and he immediately just gave me this look of, 'you're an idiot' kind of thing, but in a caring manner. anyway. he got me to call 911 and admit myself willingly to the hospital.

now, here's what i have learned about going into the hospital, whether it be willingly or not: handcuffs hurt as do the back seats of cop cars, police officers love to speed and do not at any time wear their seat belts, the intake lady at the hospital is the nicest person there - so enjoy your time with him/her, and finally - don't be an idiot and get yourself put into the hospital in the first place - it sucks!

and on that candid note, i think i am going to go read and try to go to bed soon.

g'night...

- xian

do you ever just found yourself lost in the moment...

those "zone out" moments. i think that everyone has those times, at least i hope so! i think i would feel crazier if that weren't the case. anyway.

so when i had those moments as a child these moments weren't a big deal. i would zone out, and snap out of it with nothing but time having passed by. as time went on, though, and i passed throughout the school grades, my zoning out moments would cost me not only time, but education and role status amongst the student body as well. it was embarrassing to snap out of it and have all the kids looking at you, and the teacher calling your name.

in high school things became a whole new story. the moments in which i just found myself lost in weren't that difficult to hide, or as obvious to everyone i guess. i'm not sure if this is because everyone (as far the student class) already knew about it, or the classes were so much larger that i didn't have to worry about a teacher focusing directly on me at any given time. i got through marching band through muscle memory somehow. and my newspaper class was, well, c'mon...it was what it was, though i absolutely loved every second of it.

then there was when i was eighteen. i dropped out of high school six weeks before graduation, moved in with my, what i guess you could call my ex-fiance (i refer to him as douchebag), and things were going pretty good. i got my g.e.d. and got a job that i truly loved. but i still was zoning out. and it was getting worse. then my ex-fiance and i split for various reasons (like being chased with a butcher knife, but that's for another day) and so i bounced around for awhile until i met a man we'll call robert. he's a kind hearted, compassionate, anything and everything nice you could say about a person, he is. really. we had a relationship for awhile (three years) before i came out. he hugged me and said, "ok".

so during all of this time my moments lost in time continued. i would never really "see" anything or "experience" anything during those times, they would just be blank blocks of nothingness. but then, in my early twenties things changed. i started seeing horrific scenes of death and massacre. the apocalypse was a huge one for me. fire everywhere with felsh and torn on the spikes of shredded metal, blood flowing throughout the streets. it became my daily, and nightly, nightmares. anyway, moving forward, i slumped into a deep depression, tried to kill myself and got ordered to go see the college counselor. she sent me directly to this clinic to be evaluated, and where they could possibly write me a prescription for whatever. so i went, got put on anti-depressants, was labelled borderline personality disorder (which is still one of my diagnoses today) and they sent me on my way. well, guess what...that didn't work. so they tried this drug and that drug.

and then i realized they were just treating me for depression. so i came out to them about the lost blocks of time, my hallucinations (which started around eighteen or so), my mood swings, and my doctor just stared at me and shook his head. i love my doctor. now they could get me on the right medication, or at least the "right" medication (meaning the best they can). so now i'm pretty even. i don't fly off the handle anymore, my hallucinations are in check for the most part. and so everything is all good. except those moments. i just started having them again last week, but now instead of fields of little boys and little girls slashed by their throats and what have you, i'm having very bad flashbacks. stuff i've never told anyone. and of course these visions have to as vivid as they can be, right?

so i don't know what to do about it now. i'll talk to my therapist on thursday about it. maybe. we'll see. it's just so unsettling. i was put on a new drug last time i  saw my dr. on top of all of my other meds, and i absolutely hate the drug for many reasons. maybe that's what's going on here. for now, though, i don't know. so i guess i'll just live in a heightened state of fear from my own brain from now on.

don't know...

- xian

Already dying inside

I feel like am dying insde. There's to much going on in my life.  it sucks. So much of it is all trapped in ny head. The insanty in my head, can't even be explaind.

Then there's tommorw which is Sunday. I don't know what do. Sunday's mean support group meeting. Normally I look forward to these meetings because the group is usually a good one, plus I get to see my sponsor which is. Cool. However tomorrow I'm not really sure I should. Mainly because I'm. Using and I feel like I shouldn't be there,, and then there's the part of the meeting where they recognize one another for good time being clean. Well they recognize the new comer as well as those who have been using again. And if I go I lnow I'm going all of this pressure to so.

I'm done for the night.  I'm too much of a lunatic to stay up anymore

'Til then...

- xian
.

though it seems to reach through this life...

well, this is  will be a very short post because i'm falling asleep involuntary and i can't really see the screen which makes all of this very. my fault though for using.

i'm very apprehensive about monday. my dr's appt and stuff, i know i should be honest with him about my addiction and face the consequence of never being ever get my drugs againi.

i just know that i'm confused and that the people that are in my life that  are tell things,and can't say i don't disagree with them, there is an however though because there everything else in my life that are uncontrollable and well there's only person that knows my past and my currnet state.

ok, i'm too fucked up to keep writing. it's t aken my three hours to just write all of this...so yeah

so 'til then...

- xian

Drudging through the abyss...

Well, there's no easy way to say this, so I'll just get right down know to it. My partner and I split yesterday. The engagement is off he returned his ring along with his key to the house. I have to admit that it really hurt. He is still staying here with me, which actually I like because I like knowing knowing he's safe and that he has a stable place to work on stuff and that he doesn't haven't to worry about paying rent.  However...

I'm not good with emotions at all. There's too much trauma in my past that the only emotion I ever feel anymore is numbness. It's not that I don't know *how* to feel.

This isn't going to turn into one of those woe is me posts, I swear. I had a huge part in this breakup and I take full responsibility for my issues that helped to destroy our relationship.

So now I'm here. And I don't know what to do or where to go. It's just like one more failure in my life. Another reason to go and use some more. Which, right now is something I have very little control over at the minute. As well as it sounding really good at the moment. There's a good chance that on Monday I'll be getting my specific variety of drug. And I am finding myself a bit too, hmmm, I don't want to say excited, but it's something close to that.

Anyway. Not to dwell on silly things. So I'm going to go get dressed and go get lunch.

'til then

- xian

On the corner of the edge...

Of nothingness I suppose.

I don't even have much of anything to back that up with really. Had my therapy session today. That went absolutely nowhere, mainly due to me. Don't know what to do. Anyway, that's all I got.

- xian

he'll be back monday...

words to my ears right now.

i'm up early because my partner had a dentist appt, and my alarms for him just kept me awake. however i've been productive with my time.

you know, there's not enough going on this early during in the day for me to ramble on about. ok, well i have been thinking about this one thing, this question nerds ask nerds all the time (and yes, i'm a self-proclaimed nerd) - but the question is, what superhero would you be if you could choose anyone. the answer to me is obviously superman. he can do anything and he only had one weakness, which, let's face it, is pretty easy to stay away from.

i hate it when people answer batman, because c'mon, batman is not a super-hero. he's not a super-anything other than a jerk with a bunch of money and cool toys that money has bought him. he's a vigilante at best, and a crazed maniac on the quest for revenge at worst.

now, there are many other 'superhero's' out there but none of them can hold a flicker to superman. and this does not include you japinime stuff or whatever that crap is. i'm talking good 'ole fashioned superheros. hell, add the avengers in there, add the rest of the justice league in there, it doesn't matter, superman rules them all.

and with that said, look at what i bought yesterday:

...and we've gone cuckoo, gonna party 'til they take us away...

a lot of my blog  titles come from lyrics that i hear throughout the day. this is an adam lambert song called 'cuckoo'. another few lines i really like out of it are:

"Feels like I'm having a meltdown
It feels like I'm losing control
They tell me I'm a danger to myself
Now the crazy train is ready to roll, oh!"

it's an adam lambert song, make fun as you will, but it is all very fitting to the past four or five days. 

i've felt very, 'cuckoo', as the song goes on to state not really sure which way is up and which way is the right way for me to go down.
as the song continues on,:

"I wanna lose my mind, like a maniac
And cross the line, never looking back
We're on the loose, getting crazy
And we've gone cuckoo
Gonna party 'til they take us away..."

i'm going to say that when it comes right down to this whole staying clean thing, most days i find myself fighting amongst my head and my heart, even on the rarerest occasion that they're on the same page, for better or for worse.

i'm being fairly candid about all of this because for one, i don't want there to be any misconceptions about me. also, i don't others out there to read this and say, well that was of no help because they weren't of any help, when maybe i could have been if i'd just been open and honest about this shit from the get-go

my partner is pissed, to say the least. he had recently said, after my last relapse, that if it happened again he was gone. but now, luckily for me, he's sticking around at least through wednesday morning after he has time to talk it over with our mutual therapist. her, on the other hand, i have a feeling, will want to put me away into rehab. call me 'cuckoo' but i don't think that that's the answer. never has been in the past anyway. 

well i'm high right now and struggling to keep it all together, so i'm going to go do something where my brain doesn't have to think.

'til then...

- xian

such a permanent solution...

some of you know that i as soon as i have the money and  time, i'm getting my first tattoo. it has been years in the decision making process, so i think this 2013/2014 school year is the time to do it. so what do i want? here, i'll show you:

 

i don't want all of the black, don't get me wrong. i just want the ankh itself. i want it done in black and grey, keeping the highlights and depth to it. now i just have to find a tattoo artist that is worthy of being the one to permanently brand my body.

anyway. that's all for tonight i think. i'm extremely tired, and keep falling asleep doing the most random of things.

'til then...

- xian

chasing the rain...

it's saturday. as if you couldn't tell that for yourself.

i hate saturdays. not as much as i hate sundays, but i hate saturdays because they usually mean that my life is run by the tick of someone else's clock. and when i am forced to wait around for others, i become bored. and bored for me, bored for a schizo, bored for an addict, is never a good thing. i start twiddling my thumbs, looking around for what i can get myself into to next. i listen for the voices to tell me what direction to take. 'they' always say - don't listen to the voices- but 'they' don't have much experience with them as i come to find out most of the time. by 'they' i mean the professionals. the very few i have ever been honest with about my situation.

it wasn't until recently that i was officially diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder. schizo-affective disorder means that basically i am schizophrenic with attributes of a mood disorder, or in my case, bipolar I. when it comes to the schizophrenic side of things, i am categorized under the subset of paranoid schizophrenia. to kind of understand it a little better i offer you this: this http://www.schizophrenia.com/szparanoid.htm the bipolar side presents itself in my certain circumstances as more on the depressive side of things than on the manic side. that's not to say that i do not have those moments where i think it would be a really good idea to go and jump off the roof. but that's why i take meds, so that i don't go and do that sort of thing.

it was raining earlier, which i absolutely love. rain is my favorite kind of weather. the grey overcast sky, the even slightest decrease in temperature, the smell of everything thickening and then thinning off. the colors pop during this time too. everything seems more alive, or more dead during the rain. i like the certainty of it. but i ramble...

whoa! haha, brilliant. i just found out that my ex finally deleted me off of her Facebook account. i was wondering how long that was going to take. i have no animosity towards her or her new g/f (well, i say new, they've been together over a year now), but she could not deal with the fact that i was learning more about myself and coming to such realizations as being transgendered. plus, she had a hard time with all of the mental health issues, and i can't really blame her for that. i wish we could have been friends, but i guess it just wasn't in the cards we were dealt. 

well with all of that being said, i feel i should try and find something to do with my time so that i don't wallow in this bleh-ness. plus, i'm trying to ignore my foot hurting so that i can, in turn, ignore my cravings.

till then…

- xian

only a part of the mess...

...that consumes my life.
this is the mess on top of my chest of drawers in my bedroom. books, movies and video games piled on top of one another just waiting to topple over. socks that need to be thrown away because they're missing a companion or they have holes in them. school stuff from long ago. receipts, papers, clothes tags. the list goes on and on.
so today i am going to try and figure out a place for all of this stuff. I'm guessing a good portion of it will be trash, but I won't know until I really start going through stuff.
so, i guess with that being said i should go ahead and jump right on in. maybe it will be therapeutic for me. cleaning out all the junk or something. we'll see.
'til later...
- xian

time is never time at all...

no post yesterday due to my foot. i've been laying on the couch keeping it elevated most of the time, and i hate trying to type out my inner most thoughts on my cell phone.

anyway.

due to being set up and inactive, i have been reading again. i finished one book that i had been reading awhile back, "The Psychopath Test" by Jon Ronson. i cannot gush over this book enough. it's absolutely insane, enlightening, and brilliant. it is not an easy book to explain, so i'm not going to even try because i wouldn't do it the justice it deserves. the most i can offer you is this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYemnKEKx0c

so now that i'm done with that book, i had to find something else to read. this is nothing, really, as i have books stacked on top of more books fall off of shelves and various places around the house. so then came the task of choosing a book out of the plethora. this, too, turned out to be an easy task, as my partner immediately announced which book should be at the top of the list. so he ran to whichever room it was in, and quickly returned with the book, "Letters to a Young Therapist," by Mary Pipher. i'll let you know more about it once i really get into it. i'm only on letter five right now, out of 27 letters.

with my foot hurting, and a lot of time on my hands that i'm just wasting cause i can't get up and do much, i have found myself craving to use again. it would be so easy to go see my doctor and get whatever i want. i've held my phone in my hand with his office's number ready to dial, fighting with myself over it. i have people i can talk to about all of this, even outside of my therapist, but i always feel as though i'm just being petty and wasting their time. i hate bothering people, and that's what i feel like i'm doing.

so i'll just grit my teeth and white knuckle through it. sleep is my best friend.

- xian

Ouch...

Well, I have a torn tendon in my foot, so I've been trying to stay off of it all day. Thus, the lack of a post. But I'm resting it up, staying off of it and icing/heating it in rotations. Plus, I'm on crutches when I do walk, which is just really annoying. Anyway. That's all I got for today. I'm posting this from my phone so sorry if the format is different.

- xian

feelings are complicated...

...so...

warning: i'm about to be kind of cryptic, so i apologize ahead of time.

i'm not real sure where to go with any of this. there are things in my life that need tending to, and i can't keep putting them off. decisions have to be made, and, well, no...really just one decision has to be made, and i as i sit here, having had a really good evening/night, it's eating at me; speaking, whispering in my ear, scratching at my brain.

i don't know what to do.

i just want things to be...something more than just ok. definitely something better than bad.

i just don't know how to get there.

maybe i do, and i just can't admit it to myself. at least outside of certain settings.

in other news, i need to lose weight. seriously. so i've started keeping a food journal, and tracking all that bad crap that i eat so that i can start eating healthier, and be held accountable for what and how much i do eat. i do eat too much. i get bored and so i will go graze in the kitchen instead of going and finding something productive to do. that needs to stop. i'm very hard on myself when it comes to this, as my weight tends to fluctuate dramatically over time. but right now i'm at the heaviest i've ever been, and that's just not ok.

that's all i got for now.

'til then...

- xian

between who you are and who you could be...

i woke up late today. normally this wouldn't be such a big deal, but i had therapy with P today at 3pm. i ended up getting rushed so much that i forgot to take my meds, and that's not a good thing.

now, not taking my meds once or twice doesn't really mean anything too bad will happen. such as, the risk of me having an episode is slim to none. i would probably have to miss up to a week of my meds before there should be any real worry. still, it's a bad thing for me to miss my meds, because this means i miss my anti-anxiety med (not the one i was addicted to) and that can cause some problems.

i have really bad anxiety when it comes to people and places and, well, leaving the house really. so right now i'm on gabapentin twice a day. i take two in the morning and one at night to help with the anxiety, and so far it seems to work great. but today i forgot it, and so i was sitting in P's office vibrating, basically.

it goes to show just how much i need my meds. as much as i hate to take them, they work, and keep me in line and on track. as suffocated as they can make me feel, i know it's the right thing for me, and for everyone in my life, that i take them, so that an episode doesn't occur.

so i wasn't feeling so stoked after my session was over, but then i got home and checked the mail, and my whole day turned around! i can't say what came for me that i've been waiting weeks for, but at some point i will. i'm just not there yet. oooo, so mysterious, i know. haha. but yeah, it made me really happy and overwhelmingly excited which aren't feelings i have felt in a long time. i've got a lot going on in my head right now, it's kind of chaotic at times, so it was a nice change to lighten the load for a bit. i'm sure i'll come back down to reality, but for now, i'll take what i can get.

and on that note, i'm going to close. there's a chance i'll post again later tonight. it depends on what happens and how tired i am.

'til then,

- xian

just let go...

it was early this morning when i got up. 8:00a.m i believe it was. i don't usually get up that early. in fact, i am not usually up before noon on most days. but today was different. i guess the rain woke me up, but not in a bad way. not in the, repetitively tapping against my window making me grumpy, kind of way. i love the rain, it soothes my being and helps calm the chaos in my brain. it also makes me want to paint, which is good because i have a piece that i've been working on for days and days and days now, and i think it's finally time it got finished. i've just had a hard time finding direction with it, really. but i know what i need to do. i need to stick those earbuds in my ears, pump up the jams on the mp3 player, and let go of trying to control the piece and just let it become it's own work of art. That's when i do my best work...when i just let go.

speaking of just letting go, there's something i forgot to add in the intro to myself first post. i'm an addict. for ten years i struggled with a deep addiction to prescription pain killers, muscle relaxers, and anti-anxiety meds. i went to rehab, twice, after being kind of forced into it by my therapist (not P, a different one). i actually went into the second rehab already clean, but was there for precautionary measures. basically, my therapist at the time didn't think i was stable enough to handle the real world just yet. so in 2011 i got clean, and stayed that way for 21 months. but then in june of this year, i relapsed on my anti-anxiety meds. it sucked. not because i relapsed, necessarily, but more because i let myself, and those around me, down. i betrayed the trust of my partner, which is something i now have to work to regain.

i say, speaking of letting go, though because that's something that i'm supposed to be working on in my life. i am able to let go of everything, my worries, my faults, my control, when i'm working on my art, and just let things fall as they may. however, when it comes to life, i'm not so good at letting go of the wheel. i am in no way a religious person. in fact, i am as anti-religious as one can be. and when it comes to spirituality, i don't necessarily buy into all of that either. i think there's just too much science out there proving too many things people credit a 'god' of any sorts for. with that being said, there are two things i do find hope in; karma, and darwinism. i say i find hope in them because i refuse to say i 'believe' in any intangible concept; plus, when belief fails us, hope is all we've got. right? i guess so at least.

i've tried not to make this too long, but i think i've failed. even scarier there may be a second posting today, if anything of any interest happens. or, more likely, if i just get too bored. but here's to a good day...hopefully.

- xian

yeah...

so it's been awhile since i've done the whole blogging thing, but i'm thinking i may get back into it. these days, i don't have much else to do, to be honest. i'm currently unemployed, and just a student waiting for the fall semester to start. my major is social work, after having changed it from art, to art education, and to english education finally. i really like the social work program at the university i attend, but i'm kind of a nerd who likes school anyway.

a bit more about me. i'm a 30 year old paranoid schizophrenic with a side of bipolar 1 and borderline personality disorder. i am heavily medicated, though, and after a really bad six month period of hell, we seem to have found the right mix, and i seem to now be functioning fairly well. things are still early and new in this relief period, so we're just hoping things stay calm and don't flare back up again. of course, that requires me to take my meds, which is something i absolutely hate to do, if i'm being honest. it's not that i like the chaos or the insanity, i just hate feeling like a zombie and having lost 'me'. more about all of that later on. there's plenty of time for all of that to be revealed.

also, i'm a newly found ftm transgender. ftm stands for female to male. basically, i was born biologically female, however i *am* male when it comes to everything else. it is a little confusing to a lot of people, but so far i am very lucky to have people in my life that really do get it. my partner is ftm as well and really helped me come to the 'aha' moment where i realized that's who i am. though i probably won't talk much about him, he truly is an amazing person, but we have our problems for sure. i'm still coming to terms with being transgender, and being gay on top of that, but i work with a great therapist whom i'll call 'P' for anonymity purposes, not for me really, but for her sake.

so that's it for now. i don't know how often i will update this thing. probably just as often as i feel that i have something to say. who knows how often that will be.

'til then...

- xian