i don't even know what to say...

...

apparently that's really true.

i got here, typed the title, and lost all energy in my body and my mind just went blank. i'm just so scattered, so unsure, so...gone.

there are all of these posts on facebook about how life is the gift and everything else is bonus, how god or 'God' only gives us blessings and that sometimes they're just ones in disguise, and that how everyone should feel blessed to be breathing another day. i don't know how else to put it, but it's not that i'm not thankful to have woken up today, i'm just unhappy i woke up today based on my own terms. if that even makes sense, which, if it doesn't, that is probably a good thing.

as far as for what's going on today, i'm dealing with financial aid issues with school. we had some email conversation going two weeks ago. then after jumping through some hoops that i hadn't expected to have to do, and that weren't relayed to me until i found the problem with my financial aid in the first place, though an email should have been sent to me a month before. now, however, i email them and i get no response. i have emailed them, now, four times with no freaking reply. school begins august 26th, payment is due august 20th, and i have a bill for over $3000 sitting there waiting to be paid with no funds to pay it.

if i can't get this financial aid stuff fixed before the deadline, that means that i won't be able to go to school for the fall semester. this also means that i will have to find a job in order to support myself, and both my therapist and i don't necessarily think that's a good idea for me right now. so now i don't know what i'm going to do. at this point, i'm planning on driving the hour long drive to the college on monday morning to go see financial aid in person, and make them deal with me in person. they can't escape me that way; and maybe something will get resolved. hopefully.

'til then...

- xian