it's been awhile, so...

a lot has been happening. well, sort of. as of right now, i am *still* looking for employment. sigh, it's a never ending battle so it seems. though, i must say, i do enjoy this time off. it's nice to not have to worry about getting up and getting dressed and having to deal with people or work in general. i have taken a couple of classes here and there in graphic design at the local college, but the program i was in wasn't working out because the classes weren't making, so i'm back to square one with that.

i'm thinking about doing this online socialism degree through the university i was attending a couple of years ago, but i need to contact the director of the program and get some more info on it before i make a decision. i think it would be a good compromise in getting a degree and doing something with my life, lol. but we'll see.

so it's december and there's only 21 more days until xmas. we've got the tree(s) up and decorated (which we finally got around to yesterday). we put these things called "smell sticks" in the big tree that make it smell like a real xmas tree. it's a bit bizarre really, but kinda cool. after awhile, though, they don't smell as strongly, or we've just gotten used to them. i need to get started on my xmas cards, but i haven't even really decided what pictures i'm going to use or take for them. i think it will involve the kitties this year, but that's only if i can get them to cooperate. and let's be honest, cats are not known for their obedience. though, mine do know how to sit for food and treats, so that's something at least.

i went and bought rob's xmas gift today. not as much as i usually get him, but with not having a job, it's all i can really afford to do. i still have to figure out my mom and sister. no clue. with my sister living over in australia, i don't really know what's of use to her and what websites or stores she has access to for shopping. and my mom is one of the hardest people to shop for. i never know what to get her. for the past few years it's either been jewelry or books. she likes movies, but i never know what she's seen and/or wants to see. i don't know, i'll figure it out i guess.

i think that's about all i've got. i'm sure there's more, but nothing's coming to mind right now, so yeah. i think i will go lie down for a few before dinner. then again, this monster (drink) that i just polished off may prevent me from getting any sleep, lol. hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

'til then,
-xian

just can't stop pushing...

so i had therapy today, and the topic came up of 'what do i need to forgive myself for?' well there's plenty of things on that list, but there's one major regret in my life that i just absolutely cannot forgive myself for, for multiple reasons. so when my therapist started this inquiry, i told her that i was not going to go down that road, because we both know where it ends up at. but as my therapist loves to do, she just kept pushing and pushing until i was too tired to fight her anymore and just gave in.  we spoke about it in broader terms rather than actually bringing it into the light and calling it for what it is. but by the time the session was over, i was so depressed, i was actually experience suicidal ideation. so on the way home i blasted music to try and drown out the thoughts, but they're still here, just as strong and i don't know what to do to make them go away. this regret, this thing that eats at my very core, i can't seem to turn it off or make it go away. too many stupid decisions, one after another after another after another. one signature that signs your life away.  it kills me.

one of my best friends says to let my therapist push, to let her poke at it and cause the discomfort, because otherwise i'll never move past it. i think i agree with that. however, there's a large part of me that  doesn't think i should be allowed to forget about or forgive myself for it. things happen for a reason, right? so this thing happened for a reason, and because it has stuck with me means that it is supposed to. it's there to teach me a lesson and to keep me safe.

i don't know.

what i do know is that when i came to write tonight, it was about something very different, but i guess i needed to get this off my chest. so there ya  go.

'til then,
-xian

what's the deal with all of this white stuff???

it's february 27th, 2015, and today it is snowing here in texas. crazy.

i have dinner cooking in the crock-pot (a recipe called, "chicken for supper"), and you can smell it throughout the house when the heat is kicked on. it smells pretty yummy.

by this time everyone knows, or at least everyone who reads this knows, that i had a job interview yesterday that i was very nervous about. the interview went fine; i was asked a series of questions that, at least seemingly, i gave good answers to. the actual interview itself only went on for about fifteen to twenty minutes. however, once the interview was over, we sat there and discussed my working with kids so much and in different facets, and then moved on to discussing photography. that went on for about thirty minutes or so. so while i don't think the interview itself went poorly, i do not think i got the job. they're still interviewing people all the way through next week, and they have a pretty wide pool to choose from. i don't know, maybe i'll be surprised and get it, but i'm not counting on it. in other words, i'm still looking.

aside from that, this week has been all over the place. with family illness, and me not being able to go to therapy at all this week due to the weather, not to mention just feeling cooped up in general, i've had a hard time staying still and finding that calm place that i can usually escape to. i want to paint, but it's below freezing outside, and even in the garage it's too cold to do anything. i guess i'm just going to have to find something else to do that will ease my mind. maybe i will go play around in photoshop for awhile. that's always fun.

well, i guess that's about all i've got for now.

oh, right. leonard nemoy died at the age of 83. that's really sad. they said he died of copd. sucks. he seemed to be a very upstanding human being, and you don't come across those very often. so r.i.p. mr. spock. you will be missed.

'til then,
-xian

april 2014???

i didn't realize how long it has been since i last posted anything on here.

well first i should say that i am doing much better. my meds finally got all sorted out, and i have a pdoc that actually cares about and listens to me. no more exploding head as of the past two months, so that's great! the only thing i really deal with now on a semi-day by day basis, is my paranoia. but that's easily managed with anxiety meds, so i really feel no threat there. i do still find myself getting down on myself for having to take so many medications just in order to keep up with the rest of the world's "normal". it sucks, but i have to do what i have to do in order to live my life to the best possible outcome.

now lately i've been reading some posts on facebook, from people i know, and from news media and politicians alike, that really have my blood boiling. i  get so angry about this because i hate it when people are misinformed, or feel the need to lecture the rest of us on how we're supposed to live and what we're supposed to believe in.

i have absolutely no qualms when it comes to freedom of speech, however i do feel that there are people out there that abuse this right to forward their own selfish agendas, or to talk down to the rest of us just in order to feel better about themselves. don't get me wrong, i fully enjoy friendly debates over why one this is the way it is, and isn't for another reason. but these people that i speak of take it too far. when it stops being a discussion, and starts being a lecture, you've at that point discounted anything the other person has said, in a way that makes it seem as though what they bring to the  table is unimportant.

i don't know, without starting to lecture myself, that's just the way i see it. why can't we just all be open for discussion instead of things being either black or white? red or blue?

just a thought.

til then,
-xian

EHS...

...stands for 'Exploding Head Syndrome' and it is absolutely miserable if you are one that suffers from it, as i do. you can read more about this phenomena here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exploding_head_syndrome

i have chronic insomnia and when i am able to sleep, it's not very good or very much sleep, so i am always in a strong state of fatigue. honestly, there are some days where i don't know how i made it all day. then there are the days where i 'sleep' until 3 in the afternoon, and struggle to even just raise my head much less my body.

this syndrome isn't very well known, and even when it is known, it's very rarely talked about. but it's something that needs to be taken more seriously.

living with EHS sucks, to say the least. and unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much to be done about it at this point. I just thought i'd share this because it's something a lot of people suffer from, but again, it's not something well known or often spoken of.

'til then,
- xian

happy...new? year...

okay, so it's been awhile...more than awhile, i get it. sometimes life gets away from you, and in my case, that tends to happen a lot.

so in up to date news, here's what's been going on:

i started a certification program for graphic design at the local college. they have a continuing education program where you can take two years to get certified in different things, one of them being graphic design which is what i really want to go into. so far, i haven't been able to get too far into it, because of different life situations, but we'll see what happens. i may actually be transferring to the art institute online school in order to get my bachelor's of science in graphic design, instead of just going through the certification program. a real degree seems as though it would get me further ahead in a career than just a certification, but i'm not sure yet.

i'm not sure yet, because i'm also currently looking at getting put on disability for my mental illness'. my therapist and i have been discussing this for awhile, so i finally contacted a lawyer's office today, and got the ball rolling on seeing if i can get represented first, and then what all it would entail. however, if i go on disability, i can't get financial aid for school. i would still be able to complete the certification program, but probably at a later time. so i don't know. it's a lot to process, and it's going to take some time to figure it all out, but at least i have options i guess.

as for my mental health, it's been up and down since the beginning of the year. i started off pretty strong, and stable, and since then i have had my good days, my bad days, and then my really bad days. my auditory hallucinations have gotten worse over the past couple of months, and so i've had my moments of near psychotic breaks, again, but i'm weathering through. thankfully, i have a pdoc appointment next wednesday, and will hopefully get my meds adjusted to get some help. stress hasn't been helping the situation either, so i'm having to find ways of relaxing. meditating, taking naps, writing poetry, and most recently i've been trying to teach myself how to play guitar. i'm getting better with time, but it, too, can be frustrating at times, so i have to limit my time with that. my paranoia has also been on the high end of things, but my therapist had a crazy idea that i tried, and it actually worked! she told me to drink a cup of coffee before going to bed. surprisingly, the coffee relaxes me a bit, and helps me to focus more, thus i can make my mind realize that my paranoia is based on illogical thinking. it helps me sleep throughout the night, instead of waking up thinking bad things are going to happen.

so hopefully i won't wait so long to post again. time just got away from me, and i got lost in life. neither of those being good things.hope all is well with the universe you live in. thanks.

'til then,
-xian

hey now, take your meds...

yea for cold weather! finally! i wait for this every year, and it puts me in such a better mood when it does come, and i'm way more productive.

for example, for the past two days i've been working on some of my design stuff non-stop. well, except for right now, obviously. and not only have i been working on stuff, i've actually *liked* what i've produced. and usually i'm a hard sell, even to myself. i've also been in the mood to really get my hands dirty and paint. i have plenty of canvas sitting in the art room that's calling to me, it's just been a bit too cold to venture into the garage to make a satisfying mess.

in other news, i've completed the first course on the road to getting my certification, and i feel pretty good about it. there are no more classes until january, though, so i've got to figure out what i'm going to do between now and then. it's not like i have a lot going on, or anything. i'm thinking about getting a part time job somewhere, but i really despise working during the holidays. people are crazy! and that's coming from me! hahahhaha!

well tomorrow is thanksgiving, which means a whole lot of food that i get to cook for just my roommate and myself. yea! i'm making this vegetable dish i've never made before, called vegetable tian, and i'm just hoping it comes out good. i'm adding some cubed ham to it to give it a little more flavor and  it's not thanksgiving without ham, so it's my way of sneaking it in there.

i figured it out. i've been having a hard time remembering to take my meds, and when i do remember, i have to fight myself to take them. my therapist and i were talking about it on monday, and she gets really frustrated with me when i don't take my meds, and she doesn't understand why i don't want to. and i was trying to articulate why, but my words became muddled and i couldn't express it properly. basically i told her that they make me feel different from who i really am. that i don't feel like me while i'm on them. that my creativity disappears while on them. but then yesterday, as i was working on a design, it came to me. the clearest way i can put it is that, it's like the meds hold me back. and not just by feeling sluggish physically. they hold my brain hostage from me. i can't access information at any given time. i have no control over my creative self, or my intellect. the meds just won't have those things.

anyway. i'm going to think more about this and see if i can't figure it out more so. but i'm on the right track, and that's a start...

-xian