those "zone out" moments. i think that everyone has those times, at least i hope so! i think i would feel crazier if that weren't the case. anyway.
so when i had those moments as a child these moments weren't a big deal. i would zone out, and snap out of it with nothing but time having passed by. as time went on, though, and i passed throughout the school grades, my zoning out moments would cost me not only time, but education and role status amongst the student body as well. it was embarrassing to snap out of it and have all the kids looking at you, and the teacher calling your name.
in high school things became a whole new story. the moments in which i just found myself lost in weren't that difficult to hide, or as obvious to everyone i guess. i'm not sure if this is because everyone (as far the student class) already knew about it, or the classes were so much larger that i didn't have to worry about a teacher focusing directly on me at any given time. i got through marching band through muscle memory somehow. and my newspaper class was, well, c'mon...it was what it was, though i absolutely loved every second of it.
then there was when i was eighteen. i dropped out of high school six weeks before graduation, moved in with my, what i guess you could call my ex-fiance (i refer to him as douchebag), and things were going pretty good. i got my g.e.d. and got a job that i truly loved. but i still was zoning out. and it was getting worse. then my ex-fiance and i split for various reasons (like being chased with a butcher knife, but that's for another day) and so i bounced around for awhile until i met a man we'll call robert. he's a kind hearted, compassionate, anything and everything nice you could say about a person, he is. really. we had a relationship for awhile (three years) before i came out. he hugged me and said, "ok".
so during all of this time my moments lost in time continued. i would never really "see" anything or "experience" anything during those times, they would just be blank blocks of nothingness. but then, in my early twenties things changed. i started seeing horrific scenes of death and massacre. the apocalypse was a huge one for me. fire everywhere with felsh and torn on the spikes of shredded metal, blood flowing throughout the streets. it became my daily, and nightly, nightmares. anyway, moving forward, i slumped into a deep depression, tried to kill myself and got ordered to go see the college counselor. she sent me directly to this clinic to be evaluated, and where they could possibly write me a prescription for whatever. so i went, got put on anti-depressants, was labelled borderline personality disorder (which is still one of my diagnoses today) and they sent me on my way. well, guess what...that didn't work. so they tried this drug and that drug.
and then i realized they were just treating me for depression. so i came out to them about the lost blocks of time, my hallucinations (which started around eighteen or so), my mood swings, and my doctor just stared at me and shook his head. i love my doctor. now they could get me on the right medication, or at least the "right" medication (meaning the best they can). so now i'm pretty even. i don't fly off the handle anymore, my hallucinations are in check for the most part. and so everything is all good. except those moments. i just started having them again last week, but now instead of fields of little boys and little girls slashed by their throats and what have you, i'm having very bad flashbacks. stuff i've never told anyone. and of course these visions have to as vivid as they can be, right?
so i don't know what to do about it now. i'll talk to my therapist on thursday about it. maybe. we'll see. it's just so unsettling. i was put on a new drug last time i saw my dr. on top of all of my other meds, and i absolutely hate the drug for many reasons. maybe that's what's going on here. for now, though, i don't know. so i guess i'll just live in a heightened state of fear from my own brain from now on.
don't know...
- xian
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