so i know i said i was going to try and keep up with this more often, but it's been a crazy couple of weeks for me.
since the beginning of the semester, and since my financial aid fell through, i have been trying to reconcile with the fact that i'm not going to be going to school for awhile. or, at least in the way i have in the past. after much deliberation, and talking it out with my therapist, i've decided to switch gears altogether and return to my roots of art. well, graphic design to be more specific. creating makes me happy, and without it in my life i feel like a part of me is missing. it's essential to my core, and by denying it i've been denying who i am.
so i've looked into a few different options for how to go about achieving this goal of working in the graphic design field, and i've come up with two, well really three viable options. 1) go to university and get my bachelor's degree - plain and simple. get financial aid, and go through the two year program. 2) go to the art institute and go through their program, which i don't have a lot of information on. and lastly 3) go through the certification program offered by the continuing ed program through the local community college. this would be the cheapest and fastest route.
with 6 core courses and 4 electives, the certification program can be completed in less than a year, and altogether costs way less than just two semesters at university. after talking to an awesome cousin of mine who is in the industry and has gone both the certification and bachelor's degree route, the certification program continues to look more and more appealing. however, i have awhile to think about it. classes are only a month long, so they're kind of spread out as to when the next one starts. there's one that begins in november, then one in january and another in february. in november i have my psych appointment to have my meds checked on, and i think there will be some adjusting to them due to some issues i have been having lately. so i don't want to put the stress of school on top of my meds changing, and giving it a couple of months to let them run their course seems like a wise decision to me. so i'm looking at starting in january at the very earliest.
i'm excited about the new prospect of this adventure, but i'm also definitely a little scared. and it takes a lot for me to admit that i'm scared. i really struggled last semester due to my mental health issues, and though i got through it, if it wasn't for the support of three very selfless people, i wouldn't have made it. so now i'm looking at going back, and while it's only one class at a time, it's still going to be a lot of work, i know. and i'm not afraid of the work itself, i actually like that part. no, i'm afraid of the stress that it will put on my mind and how my newly medicated brain will react. but i can't let fear dictate my life. this is something that i know is right for me. it's beneficial to my future, in many many ways.
so that's what i've got. i've been working on a lot of designs lately, so maybe i'll post some of those later on, or tomorrow.
'til then...
- xian
Monday, September 30, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
finding forgiveness...
it's been a little bit since i last wrote anything on here. really, i've just been re-evaluating my life, and trying to look at everything through a new perspective. this has been made easier thanks to the help of my new meds that seem to have really balanced me out and got a grip on my hallucinations. the hallucinations are still there, they're just not as predominate as they were before, and i have much more control over my thoughts than i once did.
with all of that said, i'm at a place in my life where i have to figure some things out. like, who the hell i am, and where i want to be in this world. the, who am i, part has been a question in progress for the last who knows however many years. and the, where i want to be, part seems to change as often as the seasons.
but all of this starts with forgiveness. i have thirty years of crap and people to forgive, and it's not that easy finding a starting point. but even with all the stuff i've been through, and the people who have wronged me, i'm finding that for me, forgiveness needs to start with myself. if i can't forgive myself for something, how will i ever forgive someone else? this whole thing started as an assignment from my therapist where i was supposed to write about forgiveness and what it means to me. well, i ended up rambling on for five pages about how there are things that i find that i can't forgive myself for, and yet there are horrible things that have been done to me that i, shouldn't but do, forgive with great ease. i let people off the hook a lot of the time, and just take the blame for myself because it's easier than dealing with all of the emotions i would have to face otherwise.
today, towards the end of my therapy session, we talked about finding my 'authentic self'. and when you strip me down to the bones, my passion is in creating art. so, my therapist was confused as to why i was pursuing social work as a career when clearly my heart is elsewhere. and really, the only explanation i had was that there's not a lot of money in being an artist. i've got to pay the bills somehow. plus, i just found myself residing in the fact that i could make money in the social work field, and keep art as a hobby in my spare time. but she's right...go figure. i do want to have a life where i create things that i can be proud of, and make a living off of it. so what does that mean for me now? where does that put me in this great big messed up world? that's the problem...i just don't know.
but here are the facts: i'm thirty years old and i have no idea of who i am or where i'm going, but it's about time that i figured it out. and that all begins with forgiveness. because once i can forgive the past, i will have nothing holding me back. i will be free. free of guilt, of shame, of blame and anger. completely free. and it's starts with me. so here's to forgiveness, may i welcome it with open arms and cherish it for all it's worth.
'til then...
- xian
with all of that said, i'm at a place in my life where i have to figure some things out. like, who the hell i am, and where i want to be in this world. the, who am i, part has been a question in progress for the last who knows however many years. and the, where i want to be, part seems to change as often as the seasons.
but all of this starts with forgiveness. i have thirty years of crap and people to forgive, and it's not that easy finding a starting point. but even with all the stuff i've been through, and the people who have wronged me, i'm finding that for me, forgiveness needs to start with myself. if i can't forgive myself for something, how will i ever forgive someone else? this whole thing started as an assignment from my therapist where i was supposed to write about forgiveness and what it means to me. well, i ended up rambling on for five pages about how there are things that i find that i can't forgive myself for, and yet there are horrible things that have been done to me that i, shouldn't but do, forgive with great ease. i let people off the hook a lot of the time, and just take the blame for myself because it's easier than dealing with all of the emotions i would have to face otherwise.
today, towards the end of my therapy session, we talked about finding my 'authentic self'. and when you strip me down to the bones, my passion is in creating art. so, my therapist was confused as to why i was pursuing social work as a career when clearly my heart is elsewhere. and really, the only explanation i had was that there's not a lot of money in being an artist. i've got to pay the bills somehow. plus, i just found myself residing in the fact that i could make money in the social work field, and keep art as a hobby in my spare time. but she's right...go figure. i do want to have a life where i create things that i can be proud of, and make a living off of it. so what does that mean for me now? where does that put me in this great big messed up world? that's the problem...i just don't know.
but here are the facts: i'm thirty years old and i have no idea of who i am or where i'm going, but it's about time that i figured it out. and that all begins with forgiveness. because once i can forgive the past, i will have nothing holding me back. i will be free. free of guilt, of shame, of blame and anger. completely free. and it's starts with me. so here's to forgiveness, may i welcome it with open arms and cherish it for all it's worth.
'til then...
- xian
Friday, September 6, 2013
so, it's been awhile...
i know. i haven't had much to say lately, to be honest. i've been in more of a contemplative, quiet mode. still, there's been a lot going on.
i'm not in school this semester. for two reasons really. one, my loans didn't come through in time for me to pay for classes, so i was dropped from all of my classes after the payment due date automatically. and two, we kind of decided that it would be a good thing if i didn't have school to worry about right now. and by we, i mean my therapist, my ex, and my roommate...and myself begrudgingly. i really want to be in school right now. i crave the experience, the structure, and the learning. i need that in my life. but i know that this was the right decision when it comes down to it. i really need to get a few things in my life straightened out before i can really move forward successfully.
then, of course, there was the wreck i was in. well, the wreck that happened to me, rather. i was rear-ended by this lady who was afraid of getting rear-ended herself, so she thought it was a good idea to hit me instead. luckily, her insurance took all the blame, and so once i can get a evaluation scheduled, i'll do that and then they'll cut me a check. the damage wasn't too bad, i don't think at least, but i'm not a mechanic, so i have no earthly idea to be honest. sigh, so there's that. i'm still dealing with the medical side of the whole thing. i had severe whiplash and a sprained neck and shoulder, none of which has been getting any better. but luckily, i won't have to pay for that either.
and on top of all of that, i'm working on dealing with some stuff that isn't easy to face. unfortunately, i feel completely unmotivated to get all the stuff out of my head through painting, which is my one big release when i'm feeling overwhelmed and anxious. today i feel a little better, mainly because i had therapy yesterday, and got a lot of frustration off my chest. though, it's funny, i went in there meaning to talk about one thing, and ended up talking about something totally different because i forgot what it was i was going to talk about in the first place. that's probably a good thing though. could mean that it was just something i was blowing out of proportion at the time, and then was subconsciously willing to just let it go. letting go is good. i just have to remember that, all the time. life would be so much easier if i were capable of that.
but for now, i'm running out of words...
'til then...
- xian
i'm not in school this semester. for two reasons really. one, my loans didn't come through in time for me to pay for classes, so i was dropped from all of my classes after the payment due date automatically. and two, we kind of decided that it would be a good thing if i didn't have school to worry about right now. and by we, i mean my therapist, my ex, and my roommate...and myself begrudgingly. i really want to be in school right now. i crave the experience, the structure, and the learning. i need that in my life. but i know that this was the right decision when it comes down to it. i really need to get a few things in my life straightened out before i can really move forward successfully.
then, of course, there was the wreck i was in. well, the wreck that happened to me, rather. i was rear-ended by this lady who was afraid of getting rear-ended herself, so she thought it was a good idea to hit me instead. luckily, her insurance took all the blame, and so once i can get a evaluation scheduled, i'll do that and then they'll cut me a check. the damage wasn't too bad, i don't think at least, but i'm not a mechanic, so i have no earthly idea to be honest. sigh, so there's that. i'm still dealing with the medical side of the whole thing. i had severe whiplash and a sprained neck and shoulder, none of which has been getting any better. but luckily, i won't have to pay for that either.
and on top of all of that, i'm working on dealing with some stuff that isn't easy to face. unfortunately, i feel completely unmotivated to get all the stuff out of my head through painting, which is my one big release when i'm feeling overwhelmed and anxious. today i feel a little better, mainly because i had therapy yesterday, and got a lot of frustration off my chest. though, it's funny, i went in there meaning to talk about one thing, and ended up talking about something totally different because i forgot what it was i was going to talk about in the first place. that's probably a good thing though. could mean that it was just something i was blowing out of proportion at the time, and then was subconsciously willing to just let it go. letting go is good. i just have to remember that, all the time. life would be so much easier if i were capable of that.
but for now, i'm running out of words...
'til then...
- xian
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