that's what i'm doing today. just waiting around for my phone to ring, so i can ask my insurance company what i need to do as far as doing the medical claim goes. plus i need a recommendation for a doctor that will look at me instead of sending me to the e.r.
i'm in a lot of pain, but i'm almost to the point where i just want to drop this whole thing and move on. just deal with the pain myself and forget this ever happened. i hate complications. maybe i should have just gone to the e.r. right after it happened, but i didn't so here i am. and on top of all of this, my foot is still screaming in pain.
i'm trying to not be so negative about everything, but it's just what i'm feeling.
i wish i had more to say. i feel so empty and closed off from the rest of society. i guess that's it for now. maybe something will change in the next few days. we'll see.
'til then...
= xian
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Sunday, August 18, 2013
whiplash is fun...
i don't know what it is about 2013, but it continues to kick my ass.
yesterday, i was rear-ended, pretty hard, to where i wasn't my seat belt i would be slammed against the steering wheel and probably have broken ribs the process of all of that.
so yeah, i was rear-ended which means there's some damage but nothing too substantial once the lady, without asking me and while i was writing down her info, went back there and popped the bumper back out. luckily i have pictures to prove it was damaged. and of course her suv wasn't damaged at all, go figure.
and so now, here i sit, my arm in a sling, foot in a boot, and just in all kinds of oh so wonderful fun. i can barely turn my neck and this morning it was swollen real bad. as for my shoulder, there's no way i can do much with it. so now i'm just stuck, which i mean, i always feel stuck, but this is a physical painful stuck that not eve pain relievers can loosen things up a bit.
alright, well it's dinner time. food usually takes my mind off anything. :)
'til then...
- xian
yesterday, i was rear-ended, pretty hard, to where i wasn't my seat belt i would be slammed against the steering wheel and probably have broken ribs the process of all of that.
so yeah, i was rear-ended which means there's some damage but nothing too substantial once the lady, without asking me and while i was writing down her info, went back there and popped the bumper back out. luckily i have pictures to prove it was damaged. and of course her suv wasn't damaged at all, go figure.
and so now, here i sit, my arm in a sling, foot in a boot, and just in all kinds of oh so wonderful fun. i can barely turn my neck and this morning it was swollen real bad. as for my shoulder, there's no way i can do much with it. so now i'm just stuck, which i mean, i always feel stuck, but this is a physical painful stuck that not eve pain relievers can loosen things up a bit.
alright, well it's dinner time. food usually takes my mind off anything. :)
'til then...
- xian
Friday, August 16, 2013
under pressure...
i've been struggling lately to find words.
words, sentences, writing; none of these have ever been a problem for me. i can write right up there with the best of them so i'm not used to this kind of thing happening. i don't know what to do when words fail me. it makes me feel even more lost than i already feel.
my brain is just too much lately, and at times i can't tell dream state or hallucinations from reality. i'm on a new medicine, a new anti-psychotic, that i take along with the one i was already on, but i've only been on it for three days now, and the only thing it's doing is making me nauseous. my psych said that nausea is normal, but it really sucks all the same time.
i'm so tired all the time. even today, i slept until 5p.m. and still, here i sit almost dozing off as i write this. caffeine is my best friend. i don't have any meds to help wake me up, just ones that assist me in conking out.
i'm not sure where i was going with all of this. i've lost my train of thought and can't concentrate enough to get it back. i guess that's it for now.
'til then...
- xian
words, sentences, writing; none of these have ever been a problem for me. i can write right up there with the best of them so i'm not used to this kind of thing happening. i don't know what to do when words fail me. it makes me feel even more lost than i already feel.
my brain is just too much lately, and at times i can't tell dream state or hallucinations from reality. i'm on a new medicine, a new anti-psychotic, that i take along with the one i was already on, but i've only been on it for three days now, and the only thing it's doing is making me nauseous. my psych said that nausea is normal, but it really sucks all the same time.
i'm so tired all the time. even today, i slept until 5p.m. and still, here i sit almost dozing off as i write this. caffeine is my best friend. i don't have any meds to help wake me up, just ones that assist me in conking out.
i'm not sure where i was going with all of this. i've lost my train of thought and can't concentrate enough to get it back. i guess that's it for now.
'til then...
- xian
Sunday, August 11, 2013
it's my specialty...
pissing people off it seems.
i've, apparently, been doing a lot of that lately. i'm not attempting to or anything, i'm just being myself. that sounds kind of sad, really. anyway. i don't know what to do about it, but then again i'm not sure i want to. people who can't accept me for who i am shouldn't be in my life to begin with. and if they're going to get pissed off over me expressing myself, then they can just walk.
losing these people, however, just reminds me of just how lonely i am. i have some amazing people in my life, that care for me and want the best for me, yet even around them i feel alone. the hallucinations i have make me feel out of bounds with society, with my friends and family. just the whole mental illness, the schizo-affective disorder, the borderline personality disorder, it all just weighs heavy on my head and my shoulders. it's like a heavy fog that i can't escape no matter what i do. the meds i'm on are only working somewhat, but i've tried so many others that there aren't really but a few i can try. and those all have possible major side effects, which is why we've (my psych and i) have been avoiding them. i have my next appt with my psych on wednesday so i guess we'll have to look at doing an entire med overhaul. and that scares me. i don't know how i would be if taken off even a couple of my meds. i take them for a reason, and even though they aren't working as perfect as they should be, they are still helping to regulate me somewhat.
if we do end up making a full overhaul on my meds it probably means me going away for a bit so that it can be safely done. and that means going to the hospital again. i hate the hospital. it puts my anxiety into full gear and i never quite get comfortable enough there to have it be as productive as it could be. i've been in three different hospitals in the past two years, one of them i've been in multiple times. they all suck. one was slightly better than the other two, but still, it's all about feeling trapped and having the walls closing in on me as the voices keep pushing forward with their commands and hateful chantings.
the voices get mad when i talk about them and they start trying to take over my brain as quickly and as loudly as possible. they tell me to 'stop!' or that i'm 'going straight to f*ing hell!' sometimes it's that i'm a terrible person and that i have no purpose in this life other than to make others miserable. it's those times that they start in on me heavily, telling me to 'die!' and that i should take my own life so i stop burdening others with my existence. i have to stop talking about this now as the voices are getting louder and louder and just all around vicious.
now my head hurts and i'm a bit exhausted. that's what happens normally after i've spoken of them. thus, i think i'm going to go take a nap or read for a bit.
'til then...
- xian
i've, apparently, been doing a lot of that lately. i'm not attempting to or anything, i'm just being myself. that sounds kind of sad, really. anyway. i don't know what to do about it, but then again i'm not sure i want to. people who can't accept me for who i am shouldn't be in my life to begin with. and if they're going to get pissed off over me expressing myself, then they can just walk.
losing these people, however, just reminds me of just how lonely i am. i have some amazing people in my life, that care for me and want the best for me, yet even around them i feel alone. the hallucinations i have make me feel out of bounds with society, with my friends and family. just the whole mental illness, the schizo-affective disorder, the borderline personality disorder, it all just weighs heavy on my head and my shoulders. it's like a heavy fog that i can't escape no matter what i do. the meds i'm on are only working somewhat, but i've tried so many others that there aren't really but a few i can try. and those all have possible major side effects, which is why we've (my psych and i) have been avoiding them. i have my next appt with my psych on wednesday so i guess we'll have to look at doing an entire med overhaul. and that scares me. i don't know how i would be if taken off even a couple of my meds. i take them for a reason, and even though they aren't working as perfect as they should be, they are still helping to regulate me somewhat.
if we do end up making a full overhaul on my meds it probably means me going away for a bit so that it can be safely done. and that means going to the hospital again. i hate the hospital. it puts my anxiety into full gear and i never quite get comfortable enough there to have it be as productive as it could be. i've been in three different hospitals in the past two years, one of them i've been in multiple times. they all suck. one was slightly better than the other two, but still, it's all about feeling trapped and having the walls closing in on me as the voices keep pushing forward with their commands and hateful chantings.
the voices get mad when i talk about them and they start trying to take over my brain as quickly and as loudly as possible. they tell me to 'stop!' or that i'm 'going straight to f*ing hell!' sometimes it's that i'm a terrible person and that i have no purpose in this life other than to make others miserable. it's those times that they start in on me heavily, telling me to 'die!' and that i should take my own life so i stop burdening others with my existence. i have to stop talking about this now as the voices are getting louder and louder and just all around vicious.
now my head hurts and i'm a bit exhausted. that's what happens normally after i've spoken of them. thus, i think i'm going to go take a nap or read for a bit.
'til then...
- xian
Thursday, August 8, 2013
it's 3a.m. i must be lonely...
well, ok, it's 4:30a.m. but all the same.
i've already had my, "oops, i woke up in the middle of the night, and now i can't sleep so i'm just going to have some cheerios and a diet pepsi," time. however, i'm stuck in a dilemma. see, i have a dr's appt today at 9a.m. in the town i grew up in, which is about an hour drive away. to be up in time to get dressed, make sure my ex is up and about as he asked me to do, and gather everything i need to take with me, i need to get up right around 7a.m. so that i can leave just a bit before 8a.m. so, the dilemma is, do i even bother going back to sleep for now, and just take a nap when i get home before having to go to therapy this afternoon? or do i try to pound some more zzz's out before making that overly boring drive, and maybe accumulate more energy so i don't fall asleep driving there? not that i feel i would right now, but who knows, it's always a possibility. i don't know.
i am also greatly conflicted right now. about my dr's appt. it's with my general physician that i've been seeing since i was six years old. he knows a lot about me, but not that i'm trans or gay, and not that i haven't been with my roommate for the last six or seven years (i've just kept on letting him believe we were together, it was easier than telling this ultra-conservative, right wing, state senator of a dr otherwise). anyway, as my dr for so long, he has grown to trust me with certain medications. ones that have become my drug of choice over the years, without his knowledge. so, i can either go in there today and easily get narcotic painkillers and benzo's, or i can go in there and do as i should do and come out of thee with a non-narcotic painkiller prescription. i mean, i can ask for a non-narcotic painkiller without having to tell him why. i can just simply say that with school coming up and having to drive so much i don't think it's necessarily a safe thing to be on, well, vicodin or soma's or something of the sort. or that i'm afraid of it mixing poorly with all of the other medications i'm on that already make me feel weird at times.
so you see my dilemma then, yes?
i'm not sure what i'm going to do about it, but i have to make up my mind pretty quickly, because now it's nearly 5a.m. and i only have so many hours left before i have to face this head on. i'm just so unsure of things. the ex thinks that the only reason i continue to choose seeing this dr over finding someone here in town is because i know i can get drugs out of him that i want. that's not totally the case, though i give him some credit for it. no, it's that, even though he misdiagnosed me with a burst appendix for six weeks when i was 14, i actually really trust the guy. obviously we don't see eye to eye when it comes to politics, but when it comes to my health i know he'll take the time to get it right, especially because he doesn't want to make another horrible mistake like the one with my appendix that nearly killed me. he's learned throughout the years that my immune system and my brain are not 'normal' and can do weird things when under siege of a disease.
ok, well i think i'm going to go lie back down for a bit and see if i can't get some sleep.
'til then...
- xian
i've already had my, "oops, i woke up in the middle of the night, and now i can't sleep so i'm just going to have some cheerios and a diet pepsi," time. however, i'm stuck in a dilemma. see, i have a dr's appt today at 9a.m. in the town i grew up in, which is about an hour drive away. to be up in time to get dressed, make sure my ex is up and about as he asked me to do, and gather everything i need to take with me, i need to get up right around 7a.m. so that i can leave just a bit before 8a.m. so, the dilemma is, do i even bother going back to sleep for now, and just take a nap when i get home before having to go to therapy this afternoon? or do i try to pound some more zzz's out before making that overly boring drive, and maybe accumulate more energy so i don't fall asleep driving there? not that i feel i would right now, but who knows, it's always a possibility. i don't know.
i am also greatly conflicted right now. about my dr's appt. it's with my general physician that i've been seeing since i was six years old. he knows a lot about me, but not that i'm trans or gay, and not that i haven't been with my roommate for the last six or seven years (i've just kept on letting him believe we were together, it was easier than telling this ultra-conservative, right wing, state senator of a dr otherwise). anyway, as my dr for so long, he has grown to trust me with certain medications. ones that have become my drug of choice over the years, without his knowledge. so, i can either go in there today and easily get narcotic painkillers and benzo's, or i can go in there and do as i should do and come out of thee with a non-narcotic painkiller prescription. i mean, i can ask for a non-narcotic painkiller without having to tell him why. i can just simply say that with school coming up and having to drive so much i don't think it's necessarily a safe thing to be on, well, vicodin or soma's or something of the sort. or that i'm afraid of it mixing poorly with all of the other medications i'm on that already make me feel weird at times.
so you see my dilemma then, yes?
i'm not sure what i'm going to do about it, but i have to make up my mind pretty quickly, because now it's nearly 5a.m. and i only have so many hours left before i have to face this head on. i'm just so unsure of things. the ex thinks that the only reason i continue to choose seeing this dr over finding someone here in town is because i know i can get drugs out of him that i want. that's not totally the case, though i give him some credit for it. no, it's that, even though he misdiagnosed me with a burst appendix for six weeks when i was 14, i actually really trust the guy. obviously we don't see eye to eye when it comes to politics, but when it comes to my health i know he'll take the time to get it right, especially because he doesn't want to make another horrible mistake like the one with my appendix that nearly killed me. he's learned throughout the years that my immune system and my brain are not 'normal' and can do weird things when under siege of a disease.
ok, well i think i'm going to go lie back down for a bit and see if i can't get some sleep.
'til then...
- xian
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Friday, August 2, 2013
i don't even know what to say...
...
apparently that's really true.
i got here, typed the title, and lost all energy in my body and my mind just went blank. i'm just so scattered, so unsure, so...gone.
there are all of these posts on facebook about how life is the gift and everything else is bonus, how god or 'God' only gives us blessings and that sometimes they're just ones in disguise, and that how everyone should feel blessed to be breathing another day. i don't know how else to put it, but it's not that i'm not thankful to have woken up today, i'm just unhappy i woke up today based on my own terms. if that even makes sense, which, if it doesn't, that is probably a good thing.
as far as for what's going on today, i'm dealing with financial aid issues with school. we had some email conversation going two weeks ago. then after jumping through some hoops that i hadn't expected to have to do, and that weren't relayed to me until i found the problem with my financial aid in the first place, though an email should have been sent to me a month before. now, however, i email them and i get no response. i have emailed them, now, four times with no freaking reply. school begins august 26th, payment is due august 20th, and i have a bill for over $3000 sitting there waiting to be paid with no funds to pay it.
if i can't get this financial aid stuff fixed before the deadline, that means that i won't be able to go to school for the fall semester. this also means that i will have to find a job in order to support myself, and both my therapist and i don't necessarily think that's a good idea for me right now. so now i don't know what i'm going to do. at this point, i'm planning on driving the hour long drive to the college on monday morning to go see financial aid in person, and make them deal with me in person. they can't escape me that way; and maybe something will get resolved. hopefully.
'til then...
- xian
apparently that's really true.
i got here, typed the title, and lost all energy in my body and my mind just went blank. i'm just so scattered, so unsure, so...gone.
there are all of these posts on facebook about how life is the gift and everything else is bonus, how god or 'God' only gives us blessings and that sometimes they're just ones in disguise, and that how everyone should feel blessed to be breathing another day. i don't know how else to put it, but it's not that i'm not thankful to have woken up today, i'm just unhappy i woke up today based on my own terms. if that even makes sense, which, if it doesn't, that is probably a good thing.
as far as for what's going on today, i'm dealing with financial aid issues with school. we had some email conversation going two weeks ago. then after jumping through some hoops that i hadn't expected to have to do, and that weren't relayed to me until i found the problem with my financial aid in the first place, though an email should have been sent to me a month before. now, however, i email them and i get no response. i have emailed them, now, four times with no freaking reply. school begins august 26th, payment is due august 20th, and i have a bill for over $3000 sitting there waiting to be paid with no funds to pay it.
if i can't get this financial aid stuff fixed before the deadline, that means that i won't be able to go to school for the fall semester. this also means that i will have to find a job in order to support myself, and both my therapist and i don't necessarily think that's a good idea for me right now. so now i don't know what i'm going to do. at this point, i'm planning on driving the hour long drive to the college on monday morning to go see financial aid in person, and make them deal with me in person. they can't escape me that way; and maybe something will get resolved. hopefully.
'til then...
- xian
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