just let go...

it was early this morning when i got up. 8:00a.m i believe it was. i don't usually get up that early. in fact, i am not usually up before noon on most days. but today was different. i guess the rain woke me up, but not in a bad way. not in the, repetitively tapping against my window making me grumpy, kind of way. i love the rain, it soothes my being and helps calm the chaos in my brain. it also makes me want to paint, which is good because i have a piece that i've been working on for days and days and days now, and i think it's finally time it got finished. i've just had a hard time finding direction with it, really. but i know what i need to do. i need to stick those earbuds in my ears, pump up the jams on the mp3 player, and let go of trying to control the piece and just let it become it's own work of art. That's when i do my best work...when i just let go.

speaking of just letting go, there's something i forgot to add in the intro to myself first post. i'm an addict. for ten years i struggled with a deep addiction to prescription pain killers, muscle relaxers, and anti-anxiety meds. i went to rehab, twice, after being kind of forced into it by my therapist (not P, a different one). i actually went into the second rehab already clean, but was there for precautionary measures. basically, my therapist at the time didn't think i was stable enough to handle the real world just yet. so in 2011 i got clean, and stayed that way for 21 months. but then in june of this year, i relapsed on my anti-anxiety meds. it sucked. not because i relapsed, necessarily, but more because i let myself, and those around me, down. i betrayed the trust of my partner, which is something i now have to work to regain.

i say, speaking of letting go, though because that's something that i'm supposed to be working on in my life. i am able to let go of everything, my worries, my faults, my control, when i'm working on my art, and just let things fall as they may. however, when it comes to life, i'm not so good at letting go of the wheel. i am in no way a religious person. in fact, i am as anti-religious as one can be. and when it comes to spirituality, i don't necessarily buy into all of that either. i think there's just too much science out there proving too many things people credit a 'god' of any sorts for. with that being said, there are two things i do find hope in; karma, and darwinism. i say i find hope in them because i refuse to say i 'believe' in any intangible concept; plus, when belief fails us, hope is all we've got. right? i guess so at least.

i've tried not to make this too long, but i think i've failed. even scarier there may be a second posting today, if anything of any interest happens. or, more likely, if i just get too bored. but here's to a good day...hopefully.

- xian