hey now, take your meds...

yea for cold weather! finally! i wait for this every year, and it puts me in such a better mood when it does come, and i'm way more productive.

for example, for the past two days i've been working on some of my design stuff non-stop. well, except for right now, obviously. and not only have i been working on stuff, i've actually *liked* what i've produced. and usually i'm a hard sell, even to myself. i've also been in the mood to really get my hands dirty and paint. i have plenty of canvas sitting in the art room that's calling to me, it's just been a bit too cold to venture into the garage to make a satisfying mess.

in other news, i've completed the first course on the road to getting my certification, and i feel pretty good about it. there are no more classes until january, though, so i've got to figure out what i'm going to do between now and then. it's not like i have a lot going on, or anything. i'm thinking about getting a part time job somewhere, but i really despise working during the holidays. people are crazy! and that's coming from me! hahahhaha!

well tomorrow is thanksgiving, which means a whole lot of food that i get to cook for just my roommate and myself. yea! i'm making this vegetable dish i've never made before, called vegetable tian, and i'm just hoping it comes out good. i'm adding some cubed ham to it to give it a little more flavor and  it's not thanksgiving without ham, so it's my way of sneaking it in there.

i figured it out. i've been having a hard time remembering to take my meds, and when i do remember, i have to fight myself to take them. my therapist and i were talking about it on monday, and she gets really frustrated with me when i don't take my meds, and she doesn't understand why i don't want to. and i was trying to articulate why, but my words became muddled and i couldn't express it properly. basically i told her that they make me feel different from who i really am. that i don't feel like me while i'm on them. that my creativity disappears while on them. but then yesterday, as i was working on a design, it came to me. the clearest way i can put it is that, it's like the meds hold me back. and not just by feeling sluggish physically. they hold my brain hostage from me. i can't access information at any given time. i have no control over my creative self, or my intellect. the meds just won't have those things.

anyway. i'm going to think more about this and see if i can't figure it out more so. but i'm on the right track, and that's a start...

-xian

on being thankful...

so on facebook it's a popular thing in november to post 30 days of thankfulness, one post a day at a time. well i had been debating on whether or not to join in this year, and up until today i didn't think i was going to. however, then it hit me, this could be a good thing. not only could i have some fun with it, but i could be honest with others, and more importantly with myself, on what really matters in my life at this stage in the game.

so i went back and made my status about what i'm thankful for, and played catch-up posting for the past five days as well as today. for day 1 i was thankful for life, for without it i'd be nowhere; day 2 i was thankful for oxygen because without it living would be a lot harder; day 3 it was water, because staying hydrated is a good thing; day 4 it was my cats for the hours on endless entertainment they provide me with; day 5 i was thankful for my friends, the ones i consider family, the ones that haven't turned their backs on me; and finally today, day 6, i am thankful for dinosaurs, for proving the christian timeline wrong.

now, some may look at those and just see most of them as being jokes, but really they've all got some hard truths behind them, and are important to me in some way or another. living is important to me because there are many times in my life i could have been dead, but i've survived and plan to keep on going. the oxygen and water ones are a bit hokey, sure, but true nonetheless. i really am thankful for the companionship my cats offer. they give me something to care about when this life isn't looking so great. and for my friends, i am greatly thankful for. in past years i've had some turn their backs on me for one reason or another, but there are at least two i can, but won't, name that have stuck by me, even when shit got real. and for the dinosaurs...well, i really am grateful for them and the science they bring with their existence, as there are times i need help remembering that religion is a dangerous thing. i'm sure i could find any number of things to remind me of that, but dinosaurs seem to be the most pleasant of ways.

so tomorrow i'll continue on with the thankfulness countdown, and see what i can come up with for the rest of the month. i'm thinking it's going to be more challenging than i first thought it would be.

in other news, i had my pdoc appointment today, and got one of my anti-psychotics upped from twice a day to four times a day. hopefully that will really knock these hallucinations in the proverbial knees and keep them from being so intrusive. also, in exciting news, i'm starting class on monday to get my certification in graphic design. the whole program should only take about ten months, so that will be great! i'm a little nervous about going but i am hoping it will be a good thing for me. the class i'm taking is a photoshop I course, and though i can fake my way through photoshop as it stands, i really can't wait to figure out how things really work. tomorrow i have therapy, which is a good thing i guess. i don't always want to go, but it's good that i do. keeps me on a routine and in line to where i'm not heading off the rails.

anyway, that's all i got. more soon!

'til then...

- xian