If only he could do laundry...

...superman would actually be perfect.

i love goldfishes cause they're so delicious...

...gone goldfishin', gone goldfishin'.

excuse me, it's nearly 3am and i am up after taking two doses of trazadone. so here i am, alone in the shadow of the light above the sink in the kitchen. i've got my diet pepsi, and (of course) my goldfish to keep me supplemented.

i'm not sure why i'm up, really. my head can't stop cycling and it's driving me crazy. my...i don't know what to call him...i guess my ex-partner(?)...says he still thinks i should go into the hospital for a long stay. personally, i hate this idea. it makes me sick to my stomach and very anxious. "P" tends to agree with him i think. she at least has brought it up on many occasions that leads me to believe she thinks that would be a viable option.

...have you ever noticed how ugly and annoying popcorn ceilings are? they're just horrible! we have them throughout the entire house and it drives us crazy. we were going to scrape them before we moved in, but then we had to move, so that didn't happen...

sorry, got off topic. that's kind of how my head works. anyway, the hospital. so they both think i should go in for an extended stay...whatever that is. so what do i think? the thought of it scares me too much for me to have any real kind of rational thinking on the topic at all. though, i don't think you could call my thinking rational at any point in time anyway. so yeah.

i have been in the hospital three times before, all three for less than 48 hours. the first two times were involuntary. my therapist at the time assessed the situation in each case and decided that my behavior was too erratic and unsafe for me to drive home or be alone, etc... the third time i was in there it was somewhat on my terms.  i had gone to therapy knowing that i was in no position to be driving or in public or alone or what have you. i got there, and he immediately just gave me this look of, 'you're an idiot' kind of thing, but in a caring manner. anyway. he got me to call 911 and admit myself willingly to the hospital.

now, here's what i have learned about going into the hospital, whether it be willingly or not: handcuffs hurt as do the back seats of cop cars, police officers love to speed and do not at any time wear their seat belts, the intake lady at the hospital is the nicest person there - so enjoy your time with him/her, and finally - don't be an idiot and get yourself put into the hospital in the first place - it sucks!

and on that candid note, i think i am going to go read and try to go to bed soon.

g'night...

- xian

do you ever just found yourself lost in the moment...

those "zone out" moments. i think that everyone has those times, at least i hope so! i think i would feel crazier if that weren't the case. anyway.

so when i had those moments as a child these moments weren't a big deal. i would zone out, and snap out of it with nothing but time having passed by. as time went on, though, and i passed throughout the school grades, my zoning out moments would cost me not only time, but education and role status amongst the student body as well. it was embarrassing to snap out of it and have all the kids looking at you, and the teacher calling your name.

in high school things became a whole new story. the moments in which i just found myself lost in weren't that difficult to hide, or as obvious to everyone i guess. i'm not sure if this is because everyone (as far the student class) already knew about it, or the classes were so much larger that i didn't have to worry about a teacher focusing directly on me at any given time. i got through marching band through muscle memory somehow. and my newspaper class was, well, c'mon...it was what it was, though i absolutely loved every second of it.

then there was when i was eighteen. i dropped out of high school six weeks before graduation, moved in with my, what i guess you could call my ex-fiance (i refer to him as douchebag), and things were going pretty good. i got my g.e.d. and got a job that i truly loved. but i still was zoning out. and it was getting worse. then my ex-fiance and i split for various reasons (like being chased with a butcher knife, but that's for another day) and so i bounced around for awhile until i met a man we'll call robert. he's a kind hearted, compassionate, anything and everything nice you could say about a person, he is. really. we had a relationship for awhile (three years) before i came out. he hugged me and said, "ok".

so during all of this time my moments lost in time continued. i would never really "see" anything or "experience" anything during those times, they would just be blank blocks of nothingness. but then, in my early twenties things changed. i started seeing horrific scenes of death and massacre. the apocalypse was a huge one for me. fire everywhere with felsh and torn on the spikes of shredded metal, blood flowing throughout the streets. it became my daily, and nightly, nightmares. anyway, moving forward, i slumped into a deep depression, tried to kill myself and got ordered to go see the college counselor. she sent me directly to this clinic to be evaluated, and where they could possibly write me a prescription for whatever. so i went, got put on anti-depressants, was labelled borderline personality disorder (which is still one of my diagnoses today) and they sent me on my way. well, guess what...that didn't work. so they tried this drug and that drug.

and then i realized they were just treating me for depression. so i came out to them about the lost blocks of time, my hallucinations (which started around eighteen or so), my mood swings, and my doctor just stared at me and shook his head. i love my doctor. now they could get me on the right medication, or at least the "right" medication (meaning the best they can). so now i'm pretty even. i don't fly off the handle anymore, my hallucinations are in check for the most part. and so everything is all good. except those moments. i just started having them again last week, but now instead of fields of little boys and little girls slashed by their throats and what have you, i'm having very bad flashbacks. stuff i've never told anyone. and of course these visions have to as vivid as they can be, right?

so i don't know what to do about it now. i'll talk to my therapist on thursday about it. maybe. we'll see. it's just so unsettling. i was put on a new drug last time i  saw my dr. on top of all of my other meds, and i absolutely hate the drug for many reasons. maybe that's what's going on here. for now, though, i don't know. so i guess i'll just live in a heightened state of fear from my own brain from now on.

don't know...

- xian

Already dying inside

I feel like am dying insde. There's to much going on in my life.  it sucks. So much of it is all trapped in ny head. The insanty in my head, can't even be explaind.

Then there's tommorw which is Sunday. I don't know what do. Sunday's mean support group meeting. Normally I look forward to these meetings because the group is usually a good one, plus I get to see my sponsor which is. Cool. However tomorrow I'm not really sure I should. Mainly because I'm. Using and I feel like I shouldn't be there,, and then there's the part of the meeting where they recognize one another for good time being clean. Well they recognize the new comer as well as those who have been using again. And if I go I lnow I'm going all of this pressure to so.

I'm done for the night.  I'm too much of a lunatic to stay up anymore

'Til then...

- xian
.

though it seems to reach through this life...

well, this is  will be a very short post because i'm falling asleep involuntary and i can't really see the screen which makes all of this very. my fault though for using.

i'm very apprehensive about monday. my dr's appt and stuff, i know i should be honest with him about my addiction and face the consequence of never being ever get my drugs againi.

i just know that i'm confused and that the people that are in my life that  are tell things,and can't say i don't disagree with them, there is an however though because there everything else in my life that are uncontrollable and well there's only person that knows my past and my currnet state.

ok, i'm too fucked up to keep writing. it's t aken my three hours to just write all of this...so yeah

so 'til then...

- xian

Drudging through the abyss...

Well, there's no easy way to say this, so I'll just get right down know to it. My partner and I split yesterday. The engagement is off he returned his ring along with his key to the house. I have to admit that it really hurt. He is still staying here with me, which actually I like because I like knowing knowing he's safe and that he has a stable place to work on stuff and that he doesn't haven't to worry about paying rent.  However...

I'm not good with emotions at all. There's too much trauma in my past that the only emotion I ever feel anymore is numbness. It's not that I don't know *how* to feel.

This isn't going to turn into one of those woe is me posts, I swear. I had a huge part in this breakup and I take full responsibility for my issues that helped to destroy our relationship.

So now I'm here. And I don't know what to do or where to go. It's just like one more failure in my life. Another reason to go and use some more. Which, right now is something I have very little control over at the minute. As well as it sounding really good at the moment. There's a good chance that on Monday I'll be getting my specific variety of drug. And I am finding myself a bit too, hmmm, I don't want to say excited, but it's something close to that.

Anyway. Not to dwell on silly things. So I'm going to go get dressed and go get lunch.

'til then

- xian

On the corner of the edge...

Of nothingness I suppose.

I don't even have much of anything to back that up with really. Had my therapy session today. That went absolutely nowhere, mainly due to me. Don't know what to do. Anyway, that's all I got.

- xian

he'll be back monday...

words to my ears right now.

i'm up early because my partner had a dentist appt, and my alarms for him just kept me awake. however i've been productive with my time.

you know, there's not enough going on this early during in the day for me to ramble on about. ok, well i have been thinking about this one thing, this question nerds ask nerds all the time (and yes, i'm a self-proclaimed nerd) - but the question is, what superhero would you be if you could choose anyone. the answer to me is obviously superman. he can do anything and he only had one weakness, which, let's face it, is pretty easy to stay away from.

i hate it when people answer batman, because c'mon, batman is not a super-hero. he's not a super-anything other than a jerk with a bunch of money and cool toys that money has bought him. he's a vigilante at best, and a crazed maniac on the quest for revenge at worst.

now, there are many other 'superhero's' out there but none of them can hold a flicker to superman. and this does not include you japinime stuff or whatever that crap is. i'm talking good 'ole fashioned superheros. hell, add the avengers in there, add the rest of the justice league in there, it doesn't matter, superman rules them all.

and with that said, look at what i bought yesterday:

...and we've gone cuckoo, gonna party 'til they take us away...

a lot of my blog  titles come from lyrics that i hear throughout the day. this is an adam lambert song called 'cuckoo'. another few lines i really like out of it are:

"Feels like I'm having a meltdown
It feels like I'm losing control
They tell me I'm a danger to myself
Now the crazy train is ready to roll, oh!"

it's an adam lambert song, make fun as you will, but it is all very fitting to the past four or five days. 

i've felt very, 'cuckoo', as the song goes on to state not really sure which way is up and which way is the right way for me to go down.
as the song continues on,:

"I wanna lose my mind, like a maniac
And cross the line, never looking back
We're on the loose, getting crazy
And we've gone cuckoo
Gonna party 'til they take us away..."

i'm going to say that when it comes right down to this whole staying clean thing, most days i find myself fighting amongst my head and my heart, even on the rarerest occasion that they're on the same page, for better or for worse.

i'm being fairly candid about all of this because for one, i don't want there to be any misconceptions about me. also, i don't others out there to read this and say, well that was of no help because they weren't of any help, when maybe i could have been if i'd just been open and honest about this shit from the get-go

my partner is pissed, to say the least. he had recently said, after my last relapse, that if it happened again he was gone. but now, luckily for me, he's sticking around at least through wednesday morning after he has time to talk it over with our mutual therapist. her, on the other hand, i have a feeling, will want to put me away into rehab. call me 'cuckoo' but i don't think that that's the answer. never has been in the past anyway. 

well i'm high right now and struggling to keep it all together, so i'm going to go do something where my brain doesn't have to think.

'til then...

- xian

such a permanent solution...

some of you know that i as soon as i have the money and  time, i'm getting my first tattoo. it has been years in the decision making process, so i think this 2013/2014 school year is the time to do it. so what do i want? here, i'll show you:

 

i don't want all of the black, don't get me wrong. i just want the ankh itself. i want it done in black and grey, keeping the highlights and depth to it. now i just have to find a tattoo artist that is worthy of being the one to permanently brand my body.

anyway. that's all for tonight i think. i'm extremely tired, and keep falling asleep doing the most random of things.

'til then...

- xian

chasing the rain...

it's saturday. as if you couldn't tell that for yourself.

i hate saturdays. not as much as i hate sundays, but i hate saturdays because they usually mean that my life is run by the tick of someone else's clock. and when i am forced to wait around for others, i become bored. and bored for me, bored for a schizo, bored for an addict, is never a good thing. i start twiddling my thumbs, looking around for what i can get myself into to next. i listen for the voices to tell me what direction to take. 'they' always say - don't listen to the voices- but 'they' don't have much experience with them as i come to find out most of the time. by 'they' i mean the professionals. the very few i have ever been honest with about my situation.

it wasn't until recently that i was officially diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder. schizo-affective disorder means that basically i am schizophrenic with attributes of a mood disorder, or in my case, bipolar I. when it comes to the schizophrenic side of things, i am categorized under the subset of paranoid schizophrenia. to kind of understand it a little better i offer you this: this http://www.schizophrenia.com/szparanoid.htm the bipolar side presents itself in my certain circumstances as more on the depressive side of things than on the manic side. that's not to say that i do not have those moments where i think it would be a really good idea to go and jump off the roof. but that's why i take meds, so that i don't go and do that sort of thing.

it was raining earlier, which i absolutely love. rain is my favorite kind of weather. the grey overcast sky, the even slightest decrease in temperature, the smell of everything thickening and then thinning off. the colors pop during this time too. everything seems more alive, or more dead during the rain. i like the certainty of it. but i ramble...

whoa! haha, brilliant. i just found out that my ex finally deleted me off of her Facebook account. i was wondering how long that was going to take. i have no animosity towards her or her new g/f (well, i say new, they've been together over a year now), but she could not deal with the fact that i was learning more about myself and coming to such realizations as being transgendered. plus, she had a hard time with all of the mental health issues, and i can't really blame her for that. i wish we could have been friends, but i guess it just wasn't in the cards we were dealt. 

well with all of that being said, i feel i should try and find something to do with my time so that i don't wallow in this bleh-ness. plus, i'm trying to ignore my foot hurting so that i can, in turn, ignore my cravings.

till then…

- xian

only a part of the mess...

...that consumes my life.
this is the mess on top of my chest of drawers in my bedroom. books, movies and video games piled on top of one another just waiting to topple over. socks that need to be thrown away because they're missing a companion or they have holes in them. school stuff from long ago. receipts, papers, clothes tags. the list goes on and on.
so today i am going to try and figure out a place for all of this stuff. I'm guessing a good portion of it will be trash, but I won't know until I really start going through stuff.
so, i guess with that being said i should go ahead and jump right on in. maybe it will be therapeutic for me. cleaning out all the junk or something. we'll see.
'til later...
- xian

time is never time at all...

no post yesterday due to my foot. i've been laying on the couch keeping it elevated most of the time, and i hate trying to type out my inner most thoughts on my cell phone.

anyway.

due to being set up and inactive, i have been reading again. i finished one book that i had been reading awhile back, "The Psychopath Test" by Jon Ronson. i cannot gush over this book enough. it's absolutely insane, enlightening, and brilliant. it is not an easy book to explain, so i'm not going to even try because i wouldn't do it the justice it deserves. the most i can offer you is this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYemnKEKx0c

so now that i'm done with that book, i had to find something else to read. this is nothing, really, as i have books stacked on top of more books fall off of shelves and various places around the house. so then came the task of choosing a book out of the plethora. this, too, turned out to be an easy task, as my partner immediately announced which book should be at the top of the list. so he ran to whichever room it was in, and quickly returned with the book, "Letters to a Young Therapist," by Mary Pipher. i'll let you know more about it once i really get into it. i'm only on letter five right now, out of 27 letters.

with my foot hurting, and a lot of time on my hands that i'm just wasting cause i can't get up and do much, i have found myself craving to use again. it would be so easy to go see my doctor and get whatever i want. i've held my phone in my hand with his office's number ready to dial, fighting with myself over it. i have people i can talk to about all of this, even outside of my therapist, but i always feel as though i'm just being petty and wasting their time. i hate bothering people, and that's what i feel like i'm doing.

so i'll just grit my teeth and white knuckle through it. sleep is my best friend.

- xian

Ouch...

Well, I have a torn tendon in my foot, so I've been trying to stay off of it all day. Thus, the lack of a post. But I'm resting it up, staying off of it and icing/heating it in rotations. Plus, I'm on crutches when I do walk, which is just really annoying. Anyway. That's all I got for today. I'm posting this from my phone so sorry if the format is different.

- xian

feelings are complicated...

...so...

warning: i'm about to be kind of cryptic, so i apologize ahead of time.

i'm not real sure where to go with any of this. there are things in my life that need tending to, and i can't keep putting them off. decisions have to be made, and, well, no...really just one decision has to be made, and i as i sit here, having had a really good evening/night, it's eating at me; speaking, whispering in my ear, scratching at my brain.

i don't know what to do.

i just want things to be...something more than just ok. definitely something better than bad.

i just don't know how to get there.

maybe i do, and i just can't admit it to myself. at least outside of certain settings.

in other news, i need to lose weight. seriously. so i've started keeping a food journal, and tracking all that bad crap that i eat so that i can start eating healthier, and be held accountable for what and how much i do eat. i do eat too much. i get bored and so i will go graze in the kitchen instead of going and finding something productive to do. that needs to stop. i'm very hard on myself when it comes to this, as my weight tends to fluctuate dramatically over time. but right now i'm at the heaviest i've ever been, and that's just not ok.

that's all i got for now.

'til then...

- xian

between who you are and who you could be...

i woke up late today. normally this wouldn't be such a big deal, but i had therapy with P today at 3pm. i ended up getting rushed so much that i forgot to take my meds, and that's not a good thing.

now, not taking my meds once or twice doesn't really mean anything too bad will happen. such as, the risk of me having an episode is slim to none. i would probably have to miss up to a week of my meds before there should be any real worry. still, it's a bad thing for me to miss my meds, because this means i miss my anti-anxiety med (not the one i was addicted to) and that can cause some problems.

i have really bad anxiety when it comes to people and places and, well, leaving the house really. so right now i'm on gabapentin twice a day. i take two in the morning and one at night to help with the anxiety, and so far it seems to work great. but today i forgot it, and so i was sitting in P's office vibrating, basically.

it goes to show just how much i need my meds. as much as i hate to take them, they work, and keep me in line and on track. as suffocated as they can make me feel, i know it's the right thing for me, and for everyone in my life, that i take them, so that an episode doesn't occur.

so i wasn't feeling so stoked after my session was over, but then i got home and checked the mail, and my whole day turned around! i can't say what came for me that i've been waiting weeks for, but at some point i will. i'm just not there yet. oooo, so mysterious, i know. haha. but yeah, it made me really happy and overwhelmingly excited which aren't feelings i have felt in a long time. i've got a lot going on in my head right now, it's kind of chaotic at times, so it was a nice change to lighten the load for a bit. i'm sure i'll come back down to reality, but for now, i'll take what i can get.

and on that note, i'm going to close. there's a chance i'll post again later tonight. it depends on what happens and how tired i am.

'til then,

- xian

just let go...

it was early this morning when i got up. 8:00a.m i believe it was. i don't usually get up that early. in fact, i am not usually up before noon on most days. but today was different. i guess the rain woke me up, but not in a bad way. not in the, repetitively tapping against my window making me grumpy, kind of way. i love the rain, it soothes my being and helps calm the chaos in my brain. it also makes me want to paint, which is good because i have a piece that i've been working on for days and days and days now, and i think it's finally time it got finished. i've just had a hard time finding direction with it, really. but i know what i need to do. i need to stick those earbuds in my ears, pump up the jams on the mp3 player, and let go of trying to control the piece and just let it become it's own work of art. That's when i do my best work...when i just let go.

speaking of just letting go, there's something i forgot to add in the intro to myself first post. i'm an addict. for ten years i struggled with a deep addiction to prescription pain killers, muscle relaxers, and anti-anxiety meds. i went to rehab, twice, after being kind of forced into it by my therapist (not P, a different one). i actually went into the second rehab already clean, but was there for precautionary measures. basically, my therapist at the time didn't think i was stable enough to handle the real world just yet. so in 2011 i got clean, and stayed that way for 21 months. but then in june of this year, i relapsed on my anti-anxiety meds. it sucked. not because i relapsed, necessarily, but more because i let myself, and those around me, down. i betrayed the trust of my partner, which is something i now have to work to regain.

i say, speaking of letting go, though because that's something that i'm supposed to be working on in my life. i am able to let go of everything, my worries, my faults, my control, when i'm working on my art, and just let things fall as they may. however, when it comes to life, i'm not so good at letting go of the wheel. i am in no way a religious person. in fact, i am as anti-religious as one can be. and when it comes to spirituality, i don't necessarily buy into all of that either. i think there's just too much science out there proving too many things people credit a 'god' of any sorts for. with that being said, there are two things i do find hope in; karma, and darwinism. i say i find hope in them because i refuse to say i 'believe' in any intangible concept; plus, when belief fails us, hope is all we've got. right? i guess so at least.

i've tried not to make this too long, but i think i've failed. even scarier there may be a second posting today, if anything of any interest happens. or, more likely, if i just get too bored. but here's to a good day...hopefully.

- xian

yeah...

so it's been awhile since i've done the whole blogging thing, but i'm thinking i may get back into it. these days, i don't have much else to do, to be honest. i'm currently unemployed, and just a student waiting for the fall semester to start. my major is social work, after having changed it from art, to art education, and to english education finally. i really like the social work program at the university i attend, but i'm kind of a nerd who likes school anyway.

a bit more about me. i'm a 30 year old paranoid schizophrenic with a side of bipolar 1 and borderline personality disorder. i am heavily medicated, though, and after a really bad six month period of hell, we seem to have found the right mix, and i seem to now be functioning fairly well. things are still early and new in this relief period, so we're just hoping things stay calm and don't flare back up again. of course, that requires me to take my meds, which is something i absolutely hate to do, if i'm being honest. it's not that i like the chaos or the insanity, i just hate feeling like a zombie and having lost 'me'. more about all of that later on. there's plenty of time for all of that to be revealed.

also, i'm a newly found ftm transgender. ftm stands for female to male. basically, i was born biologically female, however i *am* male when it comes to everything else. it is a little confusing to a lot of people, but so far i am very lucky to have people in my life that really do get it. my partner is ftm as well and really helped me come to the 'aha' moment where i realized that's who i am. though i probably won't talk much about him, he truly is an amazing person, but we have our problems for sure. i'm still coming to terms with being transgender, and being gay on top of that, but i work with a great therapist whom i'll call 'P' for anonymity purposes, not for me really, but for her sake.

so that's it for now. i don't know how often i will update this thing. probably just as often as i feel that i have something to say. who knows how often that will be.

'til then...

- xian