so again...

it's been awhile, i know. i'm not very good at this whole, keeping up with the blog, thing, i guess. anyway, i'm writing now, so there.

i'm writing today because i have something heavy weighing on my mind. it's a bit of a taboo topic, or just one that's not generally talked about out in the open, but it's plaguing me at this time, and nothing i do seems to relieve the stress it's causing. so i figure i will write it here, out in the open, so maybe i can stop hiding from it, or whatever it is that i'm doing.

a little over a year ago i was in therapy dealing with some things that i didn't necessarily want to deal with at that time. mainly, my hallucinations and paranoid states, which lead to my diagnosis of schizo-affective disorder. however, around the same time i had started not eating, and found food and the process of eating to be a very big inconvenience. i was losing weight, fairly rapidly, and once my therapist noticed he became very concerned, and rightfully so. he had me start keeping food journals, which i did about half the time i was supposed to, and he would tell me that i needed to watch this because it could turn into a real problem. unfortunately, that therapist ended up closing down his practice in order to move to another state for a better, higher paying job. so i was left without a therapist for awhile, and the only thing i could think of to do was to contact my old therapist to see if she would start seeing me again. luckily, she agreed, and so on wednesday's at one o' clock i started seeing her.

now, the very first appointment back i had with her she immediately commented that i looked skinny and asked if i had lost a lot of weight. here's where i debate if i made a mistake or not...i was honest with her, and told her that i had lost a lot of weight, that my last therapist was concerned about it, and that i was not eating probably as often as i should. that was it...she started telling me that i needed to go to a specialist, that i was out of control and that i could end up dying. and so on and so on it went for a few sessions until i finally agreed to go see a specialist.

first, let me say that, when i went to see the specialist it was no surprise to me that they diagnosed me as having anorexia nervosa. aside from simply not eating, there were a number of things that pointed towards that diagnosis, and not even i could really deny it, no matter how hard i tried.

so fast forward to today. i no longer see that therapist, and have a new one that is just now really getting an idea of how big of a problem my eating disorder really is. i'm 5'7" and at my lightest i was 112 lbs. i'm now at a very safe weight, partially due to one of my meds that made me gain a bunch of weight right after i started taking it. however, that is sort of the problem. now i see myself as fat again, and i'm beginning to restrict my food intake and old habits are starting to pop up. i'm talking to my therapist about it, and trying to be as honest as i can be about things, but my nature is to hide my actions from everyone, and keep everything a secret.

that's why i'm writing this. i need it out in the open. out where i can see it for what it is, and not hide it away in the dark recesses of my mind. also, i'm doing this so i can't hide from it...try to deny its' existence.

so there you go. another deep dark secret exposed. hopefully letting this one out, though, will help to lift the heavy weight it's bearing down on my mind.

'til then...

- xian