a lot of my blog titles come from lyrics that i hear throughout the day. this is an adam lambert song called 'cuckoo'. another few lines i really like out of it are:
"Feels like I'm having a meltdown
It feels like I'm losing control
They tell me I'm a danger to myself
Now the crazy train is ready to roll, oh!"
it's an adam lambert song, make fun as you will, but it is all very fitting to the past four or five days.
i've felt very, 'cuckoo', as the song goes on to state not really sure which way is up and which way is the right way for me to go down.
as the song continues on,:
"I wanna lose my mind, like a maniac
And cross the line, never looking back
We're on the loose, getting crazy
And we've gone cuckoo
Gonna party 'til they take us away..."
i'm going to say that when it comes right down to this whole staying clean thing, most days i find myself fighting amongst my head and my heart, even on the rarerest occasion that they're on the same page, for better or for worse.
i'm being fairly candid about all of this because for one, i don't want there to be any misconceptions about me. also, i don't others out there to read this and say, well that was of no help because they weren't of any help, when maybe i could have been if i'd just been open and honest about this shit from the get-go
my partner is pissed, to say the least. he had recently said, after my last relapse, that if it happened again he was gone. but now, luckily for me, he's sticking around at least through wednesday morning after he has time to talk it over with our mutual therapist. her, on the other hand, i have a feeling, will want to put me away into rehab. call me 'cuckoo' but i don't think that that's the answer. never has been in the past anyway.
well i'm high right now and struggling to keep it all together, so i'm going to go do something where my brain doesn't have to think.
'til then...
- xian
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