chasing the rain...

it's saturday. as if you couldn't tell that for yourself.

i hate saturdays. not as much as i hate sundays, but i hate saturdays because they usually mean that my life is run by the tick of someone else's clock. and when i am forced to wait around for others, i become bored. and bored for me, bored for a schizo, bored for an addict, is never a good thing. i start twiddling my thumbs, looking around for what i can get myself into to next. i listen for the voices to tell me what direction to take. 'they' always say - don't listen to the voices- but 'they' don't have much experience with them as i come to find out most of the time. by 'they' i mean the professionals. the very few i have ever been honest with about my situation.

it wasn't until recently that i was officially diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder. schizo-affective disorder means that basically i am schizophrenic with attributes of a mood disorder, or in my case, bipolar I. when it comes to the schizophrenic side of things, i am categorized under the subset of paranoid schizophrenia. to kind of understand it a little better i offer you this: this http://www.schizophrenia.com/szparanoid.htm the bipolar side presents itself in my certain circumstances as more on the depressive side of things than on the manic side. that's not to say that i do not have those moments where i think it would be a really good idea to go and jump off the roof. but that's why i take meds, so that i don't go and do that sort of thing.

it was raining earlier, which i absolutely love. rain is my favorite kind of weather. the grey overcast sky, the even slightest decrease in temperature, the smell of everything thickening and then thinning off. the colors pop during this time too. everything seems more alive, or more dead during the rain. i like the certainty of it. but i ramble...

whoa! haha, brilliant. i just found out that my ex finally deleted me off of her Facebook account. i was wondering how long that was going to take. i have no animosity towards her or her new g/f (well, i say new, they've been together over a year now), but she could not deal with the fact that i was learning more about myself and coming to such realizations as being transgendered. plus, she had a hard time with all of the mental health issues, and i can't really blame her for that. i wish we could have been friends, but i guess it just wasn't in the cards we were dealt. 

well with all of that being said, i feel i should try and find something to do with my time so that i don't wallow in this bleh-ness. plus, i'm trying to ignore my foot hurting so that i can, in turn, ignore my cravings.

till then…

- xian