so i had therapy today, and the topic came up of 'what do i need to forgive myself for?' well there's plenty of things on that list, but there's one major regret in my life that i just absolutely cannot forgive myself for, for multiple reasons. so when my therapist started this inquiry, i told her that i was not going to go down that road, because we both know where it ends up at. but as my therapist loves to do, she just kept pushing and pushing until i was too tired to fight her anymore and just gave in. we spoke about it in broader terms rather than actually bringing it into the light and calling it for what it is. but by the time the session was over, i was so depressed, i was actually experience suicidal ideation. so on the way home i blasted music to try and drown out the thoughts, but they're still here, just as strong and i don't know what to do to make them go away. this regret, this thing that eats at my very core, i can't seem to turn it off or make it go away. too many stupid decisions, one after another after another after another. one signature that signs your life away. it kills me.
one of my best friends says to let my therapist push, to let her poke at it and cause the discomfort, because otherwise i'll never move past it. i think i agree with that. however, there's a large part of me that doesn't think i should be allowed to forget about or forgive myself for it. things happen for a reason, right? so this thing happened for a reason, and because it has stuck with me means that it is supposed to. it's there to teach me a lesson and to keep me safe.
i don't know.
what i do know is that when i came to write tonight, it was about something very different, but i guess i needed to get this off my chest. so there ya go.
'til then,
-xian
