it's my specialty...

pissing people off it seems.

i've, apparently, been doing a lot of that lately. i'm not attempting to or anything, i'm just being myself. that sounds kind of sad, really. anyway. i don't know what to do about it, but then again i'm not sure i want to. people who can't accept me for who i am shouldn't be in my life to begin with. and if they're going to get pissed off over me expressing myself, then they can just walk.

losing these people, however, just reminds me of just how lonely i am. i have some amazing people in my life, that care for me and want the best for me, yet even around them i feel alone. the hallucinations i have make me feel out of bounds with society, with my friends and family. just the whole mental illness, the schizo-affective disorder, the borderline personality disorder, it all just weighs heavy on my head and my shoulders. it's like a heavy fog that i can't escape no matter what i do. the meds i'm on are only working somewhat, but i've tried so many others that there aren't really but a few i can try. and those all have possible major side effects, which is why we've (my psych and i) have been avoiding them. i have my next appt with my psych on wednesday so i guess we'll have to look at doing an entire med overhaul. and that scares me. i don't know how i would be if taken off even a couple of my meds. i take them for a reason, and even though they aren't working as perfect as they should be, they are still helping to regulate me somewhat.

if we do end up making a full overhaul on my meds it probably means me going away for a bit so that it can be safely done. and that means going to the hospital again. i hate the hospital. it puts my anxiety into full gear and i never quite get comfortable enough there to have it be as productive as it could be. i've been in three different hospitals in the past two years, one of them i've been in multiple times. they all suck. one was slightly better than the other two, but still, it's all about feeling trapped and having the walls closing in on me as the voices keep pushing forward with their commands and hateful chantings.

the voices get mad when i talk about them and they start trying to take over my brain as quickly and as loudly as possible. they tell me to 'stop!' or that i'm 'going straight to f*ing hell!' sometimes it's that i'm a terrible person and that i have no purpose in this life other than to make others miserable. it's those times that they start in on me heavily, telling me to 'die!' and  that i should take my own life so i stop burdening others with my existence. i have to stop talking about this now as the voices are getting louder and louder and just all around vicious.

now my head hurts and i'm a bit exhausted. that's what happens normally after i've spoken of them. thus, i think i'm going to go take a nap or read for a bit.

'til then...

- xian