well, ok, it's 4:30a.m. but all the same.
i've already had my, "oops, i woke up in the middle of the night, and now i can't sleep so i'm just going to have some cheerios and a diet pepsi," time. however, i'm stuck in a dilemma. see, i have a dr's appt today at 9a.m. in the town i grew up in, which is about an hour drive away. to be up in time to get dressed, make sure my ex is up and about as he asked me to do, and gather everything i need to take with me, i need to get up right around 7a.m. so that i can leave just a bit before 8a.m. so, the dilemma is, do i even bother going back to sleep for now, and just take a nap when i get home before having to go to therapy this afternoon? or do i try to pound some more zzz's out before making that overly boring drive, and maybe accumulate more energy so i don't fall asleep driving there? not that i feel i would right now, but who knows, it's always a possibility. i don't know.
i am also greatly conflicted right now. about my dr's appt. it's with my general physician that i've been seeing since i was six years old. he knows a lot about me, but not that i'm trans or gay, and not that i haven't been with my roommate for the last six or seven years (i've just kept on letting him believe we were together, it was easier than telling this ultra-conservative, right wing, state senator of a dr otherwise). anyway, as my dr for so long, he has grown to trust me with certain medications. ones that have become my drug of choice over the years, without his knowledge. so, i can either go in there today and easily get narcotic painkillers and benzo's, or i can go in there and do as i should do and come out of thee with a non-narcotic painkiller prescription. i mean, i can ask for a non-narcotic painkiller without having to tell him why. i can just simply say that with school coming up and having to drive so much i don't think it's necessarily a safe thing to be on, well, vicodin or soma's or something of the sort. or that i'm afraid of it mixing poorly with all of the other medications i'm on that already make me feel weird at times.
so you see my dilemma then, yes?
i'm not sure what i'm going to do about it, but i have to make up my mind pretty quickly, because now it's nearly 5a.m. and i only have so many hours left before i have to face this head on. i'm just so unsure of things. the ex thinks that the only reason i continue to choose seeing this dr over finding someone here in town is because i know i can get drugs out of him that i want. that's not totally the case, though i give him some credit for it. no, it's that, even though he misdiagnosed me with a burst appendix for six weeks when i was 14, i actually really trust the guy. obviously we don't see eye to eye when it comes to politics, but when it comes to my health i know he'll take the time to get it right, especially because he doesn't want to make another horrible mistake like the one with my appendix that nearly killed me. he's learned throughout the years that my immune system and my brain are not 'normal' and can do weird things when under siege of a disease.
ok, well i think i'm going to go lie back down for a bit and see if i can't get some sleep.
'til then...
- xian
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