...gone goldfishin', gone goldfishin'.
excuse me, it's nearly 3am and i am up after taking two doses of trazadone. so here i am, alone in the shadow of the light above the sink in the kitchen. i've got my diet pepsi, and (of course) my goldfish to keep me supplemented.
i'm not sure why i'm up, really. my head can't stop cycling and it's driving me crazy. my...i don't know what to call him...i guess my ex-partner(?)...says he still thinks i should go into the hospital for a long stay. personally, i hate this idea. it makes me sick to my stomach and very anxious. "P" tends to agree with him i think. she at least has brought it up on many occasions that leads me to believe she thinks that would be a viable option.
...have you ever noticed how ugly and annoying popcorn ceilings are? they're just horrible! we have them throughout the entire house and it drives us crazy. we were going to scrape them before we moved in, but then we had to move, so that didn't happen...
sorry, got off topic. that's kind of how my head works. anyway, the hospital. so they both think i should go in for an extended stay...whatever that is. so what do i think? the thought of it scares me too much for me to have any real kind of rational thinking on the topic at all. though, i don't think you could call my thinking rational at any point in time anyway. so yeah.
i have been in the hospital three times before, all three for less than 48 hours. the first two times were involuntary. my therapist at the time assessed the situation in each case and decided that my behavior was too erratic and unsafe for me to drive home or be alone, etc... the third time i was in there it was somewhat on my terms. i had gone to therapy knowing that i was in no position to be driving or in public or alone or what have you. i got there, and he immediately just gave me this look of, 'you're an idiot' kind of thing, but in a caring manner. anyway. he got me to call 911 and admit myself willingly to the hospital.
now, here's what i have learned about going into the hospital, whether it be willingly or not: handcuffs hurt as do the back seats of cop cars, police officers love to speed and do not at any time wear their seat belts, the intake lady at the hospital is the nicest person there - so enjoy your time with him/her, and finally - don't be an idiot and get yourself put into the hospital in the first place - it sucks!
and on that candid note, i think i am going to go read and try to go to bed soon.
g'night...
- xian
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