it's been a little bit since i last wrote anything on here. really, i've just been re-evaluating my life, and trying to look at everything through a new perspective. this has been made easier thanks to the help of my new meds that seem to have really balanced me out and got a grip on my hallucinations. the hallucinations are still there, they're just not as predominate as they were before, and i have much more control over my thoughts than i once did.
with all of that said, i'm at a place in my life where i have to figure some things out. like, who the hell i am, and where i want to be in this world. the, who am i, part has been a question in progress for the last who knows however many years. and the, where i want to be, part seems to change as often as the seasons.
but all of this starts with forgiveness. i have thirty years of crap and people to forgive, and it's not that easy finding a starting point. but even with all the stuff i've been through, and the people who have wronged me, i'm finding that for me, forgiveness needs to start with myself. if i can't forgive myself for something, how will i ever forgive someone else? this whole thing started as an assignment from my therapist where i was supposed to write about forgiveness and what it means to me. well, i ended up rambling on for five pages about how there are things that i find that i can't forgive myself for, and yet there are horrible things that have been done to me that i, shouldn't but do, forgive with great ease. i let people off the hook a lot of the time, and just take the blame for myself because it's easier than dealing with all of the emotions i would have to face otherwise.
today, towards the end of my therapy session, we talked about finding my 'authentic self'. and when you strip me down to the bones, my passion is in creating art. so, my therapist was confused as to why i was pursuing social work as a career when clearly my heart is elsewhere. and really, the only explanation i had was that there's not a lot of money in being an artist. i've got to pay the bills somehow. plus, i just found myself residing in the fact that i could make money in the social work field, and keep art as a hobby in my spare time. but she's right...go figure. i do want to have a life where i create things that i can be proud of, and make a living off of it. so what does that mean for me now? where does that put me in this great big messed up world? that's the problem...i just don't know.
but here are the facts: i'm thirty years old and i have no idea of who i am or where i'm going, but it's about time that i figured it out. and that all begins with forgiveness. because once i can forgive the past, i will have nothing holding me back. i will be free. free of guilt, of shame, of blame and anger. completely free. and it's starts with me. so here's to forgiveness, may i welcome it with open arms and cherish it for all it's worth.
'til then...
- xian
Have you considered the art therapist profession? Seems like a good crossroads between the need to create and the need to help others (or whatever it is that makes social work appealing to you). . .
ReplyDeletefirst let me say, thanks for the comment! :)
ReplyDeletemany years ago, i actually was pursuing a degree in art therapy. however, i don't know enough about the field to know if that's the direction that i want to go. i'm trying to stay open to all of my options, but in doing so, it makes the picture a little foggy and harder to see a clear path. as i told someone else, social work and art/graphic design both have their pros and cons, and eventually i'm just going to have to weigh them out and see which comes out on top. that at least seems the most practical way to go about it.